*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
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I confessed to my 14 year old that for the last 3 months I’ve been putting supermarket own ketchup in a Heinz ketchup bottle and he’s been happily eating it without noticing. Shit is going to go down.
The Walking Dead is my favourite Easter show.
My 7yo decided to make his video game character “look like daddy” by making him a grumpy necktie-wearing gorilla covered with gray hair, and I’d be mad but honestly the resemblance is uncanny
How often do I make chemistry jokes? Periodically.
I actually told one the other day. There was no reaction…
Remember when we didn’t let Meg Ryan stand up straight for an entire decade?
I hope we get the slow walking zombies because that’s definitely more the type of apocalypse I’ve been training for
me: u know how we want clothes on our roof but can’t reach
wife: we have never discuss-
me: *loading t-shirt canon* stand back
Toasters must work on some exponential scale. Two minutes barely toasted. Ten more seconds burned beyond recognition.
Giving someone a Dunkin Donuts gift certificate for their birthday is the perfect way to say “I love you” and “I hate you” at the same time
do u know the muffin man
the muffin man
the muffin man
do u know the muffin man
that lives on d-d-d-d-d-d
DROP THE BASS*club goes nuts*
Hey lady I’m no dummy…those are letters not numbers.
-first day of algebra class
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
I’ve just been wearing a towel for 5 days so everyone thinks I showered.
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
World: Hey check out this sport we made called football.
America: *sips beer* Check out this other sport I just made called football.
Wicked Witch of the West: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog, too!
me: *acting coy & twirling my hair* you think I’m pretty?
Wife: *points to 2-year-old* Her shoes are on the wrong feet.
Me: That’s what happens when she puts them on herself.
Wife: I watched you dress her.
Twitter should really come up with a “Temporarily hide user’s tweets until user gets their shit together” button.
If someone tried to make me dig my own grave I would say no. They’re going to kill me anyway and I’d love to die the way I lived: avoiding manual labor.
I’d like to take a moment to thank everyone who took time out of her or his busy schedule to tell me, “omg you look like hell.”
I hate what you’ve done with the place.
Sometimes when I’m having a particularly stressful day, I take a pregnancy test to remind myself that at least one thing in my life is still going as planned.
Therapist: healing isn’t linear
Me: what if I pay extra?
Mugger: “Give me your wallet and watch.”
*hand over my wallet*
Me: “Okay, I’m watching.”
[commercial for kids]
woman *opens pantry and 6 bags of chips fall out* ARGH!
narrator: Are you tired of having food in your house?
Saying wash your hands
-Mundane
-May go unheard
-Have to beg my kids to do itRequesting the cleansing your portable sandwich fabricators
-Interesting
-An adventure
-Have to beg my kids to do it
Me: Hey Mom!
My mom: Oh haha I get that all the time
Me: Wha-
Definitely my mom: *walking away from me* Just one of those faces, I guess!
Me: Hi Gammy.
Her: Do I know you?
Me: When did she get amnesia?
Sister: She doesn’t have amnesia. She owes you money.
British people be like “gotta bring the car to the mechanic for a chune-up”
Me:Come in. It’s not like I’m a serial killer.
Him:*laughs nervously*
Me: *laughing* u have to murder more than 2 ppl for it to be serial