Popular Mathematics makes math easier to understand! #FallonTonight
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Who called it oatmeal-raisin instead of a misfortune cookie?
Interviewer: So you were a Chernobyl tour guide?
Me: Yes, I was.
Interviewer: I see you have glowing reviews.
Me: Yeah, you might want to put those down.
“Can I pet your dog?”
“Sure, but he can be aggressive.”
[He pushes a pamphlet about the dangers of gluten towards me with his nose]
I wanted to be the last man on Earth just to find out if all those ladies were lying to me.
I love that the generation after millennials is called Generation Z like we all kinda know this whole thing is wrapping up soon
Hello, I dinged your car. The people watching me leave this note probably think I’m leaving you my name & number.
Signed, Guess Who.
I hope people who faint in public know that they’re making things super awkward for the rest of us.
Someone gave me a star as a gift. I’m planning on sprucing it up with some planets and asteroids and using it as a summer vacation spot.
Me: What should I wear on my date
Friend: An expensive dress shirt
*Later*
Me: Hi
Her: Is that the top of a wedding gown
Thoughts and prayers for my 17 year old. Nothing’s wrong with her. She’s just mad that she has to put gas in her own car on a cold day.
I meant to take a long refreshing chug of soda, but I had not opened the can, so basically I french kissed aluminum.
Terrified to visit my girlfriend’s small town for the holidays because I’m a workaholic from a big city and everyone keeps trying to teach me the true meaning of Christmas.
I just got a text saying they lost my cell number & could I send it. This is the level of stupid I deal with.
Her: there’s something different about you
Me, slowly transitioning into a werewolf: HOWOOOOOOOOO do you mean?
until my aim improves I’m just a puncturist
*eats a carrot*
*checks off new year’s resolution*
People only fall for me because I give them a swift leg swoop when they least expect it.
I didn’t watch the video you sent I just waited 3 minutes then wrote hahaha
Forget Botox… if you really want to look younger, get braces.
IKEA is a great place to hear “Babe?” 10,000 times in one afternoon.
“Son, do you know why we named you Easter Bunny?”
*sigh*
“Because you don’t b-”
“BECAUSE WE DON’T BELIEVE IN YOU”
men r from mars , women r frm venus , neither are capable of reproducton or space travel so species dies out [RECALIBRATE SIMULATION?] <Y/N>
*Christmas with The Schrödingers
Dr. Erwin Schrödinger: [shaking a wrapped box, excited] Is it a new cat?
*His family smiles nervously at each other
We have friends coming from the Netherlands. My 8yo kept asking if their kids have grown. We couldn’t understand why she was fixated on this.
Neverland. She thought they were from Neverland.
men only want 1 thing. women only want 7 things. babies only want 53 things. dogs only want 633 things. flamingos refuse to divulge how many things they want
Co-pilot: you need to let the passengers know but keep them calm
Me *presses intercom* how fun is swimming?!
Him: You’re pretty obnoxious. You know that?
Me: I’m sorry. All I heard was pretty.
ME: *cracking open a 6-pack*
FRIEND: Is that… pudding?
*opens present
HER: What is this?
ME: It’s The One Ring. I fought orcs for it.
HER: They didn’t have that Michael Kors bag I showed you?
i like to try new things in the bedroom like getting a full 8 hours of sleep.