Popular Mathematics makes math easier to understand! #FallonTonight
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#merica
Sweetie, who is this bully stealing your pudding cup before school?!?
“Mom, it’s-”
*dad makes throat slice gesture*
“No one, Mom. No one”
I like to establish dominance by asking the cop, “know why I pulled you over?” first.
Long story short, I need bail money.
*repeatedly tries to explain Sisyphus to classmates who have apparently never heard of him*
I wish you guys could get how ironic this is.
My 2yr old pointed at my crotch and said, “Big pee pee!” I’m taking him with me everywhere I go from now on.
I like to play this game called “How busy I can I pretend to look when my boss walks by my desk.”
I’ve just completed a cohort study that confirms people can go longer without sex if they have an adequate supply of chocolate and peanut butter
I call it my Reese’s Thesis
The sound that tennis players make but I’m just picking my socks up off the floor.
EARTH:
SUN: please dont
EARTH: 🎶you-
SUN: seriously dude come on
EARTH: 🎶spin me right round
SUN: *sigh* 🎶baby right round
EARTH: 🎶like a record baby
SOLAR SYSTEM: 🎶right round round round
A Florida police dog is being fired after biting two people; but to be fair, who wouldn’t want to hurt people from Florida?
A frittata is just an omelette for people too lazy to flip things.
I wish the entire planet could come together as one and agree to refer to Kanye as Kanye Kardashian so we can bask in his shattered ego.
Me: I can’t wait to say goodbye to 2021!
2022: *Somehow already on fire*
Mmmmm white people
– sharks
For the last time eating highlighters will not give you night vision
6 wakes me at 6:30am: wanna play a game?
Me: go hide! 1, 2, 3…
6: you’ll never find me!
Me: *goes back to sleep*
What if instead of startling someone you could stople them. Just like, do something that makes them instantly really relaxed
me: well, you know, change is inedible
her: i think you mean inevitable
me: *spitting out several nickels* nope
Shrimp: My mom’s coming to visit
Starfish wife: Again?! The 3rd time this year?
S:She’s lonely
Wife: Oh grow a spi…
S: Grow a what, Karen?
Anxiety = waiting to see if the middle seat will stay unoccupied as people are boarding your flight.
By age 35 you should have a drawer in your house filled with random items. That way, when you can’t find something, you’ll just check the junk drawer. And boom, just like that, you won’t find it there either.
Apparently Mr. Neeson’s “particular set of skills” is terrible at keeping his family from getting kidnapped.
7: We should probably sell our pets before they get old and die.
I guess I know which of my kids is NOT getting power of attorney.
Everyone talks shit about the Salem Witch Trials but there hasn’t been a witch attack in like 300 years.
In ancient Egypt a man went around selling burial monuments that didn’t actually exist.
Fortunately people caught on to his pyramid scheme.
at my physical this week the male nurse was going through my history & asking if I still take xy&z meds and he goes “do you still take IUD?” I stared at him for a sec and said “it’s still…in me…yes.” he goes “oh it’s an implant, ok.” sir you are a NURSE 😭
Bought myself an Xbox so when one of the kids asks me for something I can tell them I’ll do it after this level.
I can do 50-100 pushups depending on how many weeks you give me.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.Lyrics to a beloved 90s hit, or parent to an over-curious toddler? The world may never know.
I’m “by the time I find a gif, the conversation topic has changed” awkward in dm groups.