@FallonTonight: Popular Mathematics makes math easier to understand! #FallonTonight
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@InternetHippo: Politics is so confrontational now. I miss the old days, when we settled our differences with *raises glasses to look at history book* war
@HairyJew4Life: Why would you stay friends with an ex-girlfriend? When you get fired from a job, you don't stay around and watch other people do your job.
@CourtneyBale: [making a friend at work] Brain: Make it weird Me: *thinking* No stop it Brain: Say something weird Me: Get out of here, you Coworker: What?
@Mz_Cake_Vodka: My ex got run down by a bus today. I thought "Wow, that could have been me!" But I can't drive a bus.