Popular misconception: women brag about designer clothing. Most women I know whisper “This was $7 at TJ Maxx” or “I grabbed the wrong bag at LAX and two hitmen are chasing me, but look, free romper.”
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DATE: my eyes are up here
ME: [imediately looking up from their dog] sorry
DO NOT PRESS RED BUTTON
How to calm a crying baby:
1. Pick it up.
2. Ok, so when it turns like 5 you can put it back down. Good luck.
Hillary Duff is short for Hillarious Dufflebag
Why have an affair when you can so easily ruin your marriage by remodeling the kitchen?
Mirror mirror on the wall, please make me look like a mix between emaciated and “I’d hit that.”
Oh, when sharks grow an extra set of teeth it’s “cool” and “neat but when I do it it’s “what’s happening to that man’s face mommy?” and “why is he slinking back into the sewer mommy?”
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
“This is Beth.” I said, introducing my kid.
“And what’s Beth short for?” he asked.
“Because she’s only three,” I replied.
There’s no logical reason for shorts to be the same price as pants.
There’s so much spilled soda, popcorn and candy in here my feet are sticking to the floor. I’d complain to the management except this is my apartment.
I have a “wayward” son & telling him to “carry on” doesn’t sound like good advice, but whatever you say, kansas
Standing behind a hot guy on a treadmill saying ‘don’t worry baby, I’ll catch you if you fall’ makes him run for a really really long time
If I was named Edward Normus, I’d use my first name’s initial and my last name as much as I possibly could.
The card you sent said “Peace on Earth” but the glitter on my hand says you have made a powerful enemy.
It wasn’t a crisis until my mother heard about it.
Husband: No stubble? Did you finally shave your legs?
Me: No. I grew it out so you’d stop complaining about the stubble.
“ I got more tattoos than I do friends”
That’s saying a lot since I only have one tattoo.
Playing Tubular Bells to end the baptism wasn’t quite the closing my aunt was looking for but in my defense it did clear out the church.
The date didn’t go well but she was nice enough to send a PDF of everything I did wrong afterwards.
By the end of shelter at home, my house will be spotless. Oh sure, I’ll be drunk and confused, but so will the germs.
I once snuck my cat into a grocery store just to show him what a lazy hunter I am.
If you text your boss that you can’t come in and include the poop emoji, he doesn’t ask any questions.
“What does the fox say?” Whatever the Rupert Murdoch tells it to.
The way this woman squealed when getting proposed to is the exact same reaction I had when I found out the restaurant serves 3lb. lobster.
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered.
Men statistically have larger brains than women, which is why men are usually smarter and elephants rule us all from their laser-hovercraft
santa can deliver all those presents in one night because he’s mainlining that panera lemonade
Gave up watching The Punisher. First episode started strong with him immediately punishing a man, but forty minutes later he’d given no further punishments and I cut my losses.
[first date]
me: so, what’s your biggest fear?
her: snakes. i hate snakes
me: (whispering to the mongoose in my vest pocket): she’s the one
heard you like bad girls so I squeezed lemon juice on my fish even though the waiter grabbed me & was like “no, there’s already lemon on it”