Alanis: I’m ready for this knife fight!
*Pulls out 10000 spoons*
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*visits new girlfriend’s house for 1st time*
“Make yourself at home”
Great. Thanks!
*I crawl into the closet and begin sobbing loudly*
[I remove my bike helmet, but my toupee comes off with it]
“I’m sorry guys, is there something funny about safety?”
All women are technically bodybuilders if they get pregnant
I’d get down on my knees and pitch my gardening skills but I don’t want to sell myself short.
Doing some research on the Fresh Prince of Belair. Does anybody know where he was born and raised and where he spent most of his days?
adulthood is a constant struggle between “i deserve a treat” and “there’s food at home”
Terminator: “Come with me if you want to live.”
Me: “Oh, no thank you.”
Dear water parks, what stops you from building an escalator to the swim slide?
[aquarium exit]
Excuse me ma’am, would you mind opening your bag?
I beg your pardon?!
OPEN YOUR BAG
*opens bag and reveals two penguins*
I am far too familiar with the bathroom floor to ever be judgemental of anyone else’s life decisions.
Have learned that my fully potty trained 3yo has been telling her teacher every day that she’s had an accident so that she can change out of her uniform and into her (non-uniform) backup clothes. She’s outsmarted us all. She’s a little velociraptor.
The TP factory remains safe, as the would-be theives were flushed out before they could wipe up the inventory.
I never try to make guests feel at home. If they wanted to feel at home, they should have stayed there.
*me in a horror movie*
me: a knife? HA
killer: [pauses confused]
me: this year I’ve survived isolation, social upheaval, reduced wages, and a plague, and you’re gonna kill me with that dumb knife?! hahahaHAHAHAHAHA
k: [shoulders slump with embarrassment]
Lost about 3 pounds in the last 10 mins
(shaved my back and shoulders)
If the government implants a tracking device on me the only useful information they are going to get is how many times I actually pee in a day.
If you don’t answer your kid’s tenth “MOM!”, I will…and what I say will keep them awake for 3 days. Better ask “what?”
I’m just here to make bad decisions, not explain them
This guy’s luggage is masquerading as a mystery traveler and it’s freaking me out.
When in doubt, just do the opposite of whatever the person wearing pajamas in public is doing.
My phone automatically flagged a bunch of my selfies as “low quality images” and I’m not gonna lie, that stings a bit.
Toddlers are like wordle, you only get so many tries to figure out what word they’re trying to say
Instead of getting annoyed, that stranger should have thanked me for tweezing his unruly ear hair.
Guys, if you leave my tweet at the top of your timeline two days in a row, I’m sending out engagement announcements.
scientist: I’m gonna watch people sleep and count how many spiders they eat in a year
me: *fixing something*
him: that’s not broken
me: well, it is now
Fifty shades of grey is my favourite movie about English weather.
Me: Does anyone need to use the restroom?
My kid: I have to poop, but Imma hold it till we get on the plane.
If I’m wearing the mask here’s how to tell If I’m smiling: I’m not.