PORCUPINE LAWYER: I object, your Honor! He’s badgering the witness!
BADGER LAWYER: Your Honor, he’s being a prick!
SKUNK JUDGE: [slamming gavel] Odor! Odor in the court!
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A lot of people get scared when they watch movies. Not me. I know the lion at the start is just a logo.
“Jurassic Park” is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
“I’m going to enter you now,” I announce to an elevator to the bewilderment of everyone who is already inside. A lady clutches her purse.
I like to play fetch with my cat….which, you know, is just me throwing stuff, followed by disappointment.
if I accidentally respond “you too” after a fast-food clerk tells me to enjoy my meal, I shove some fries in their mouth so it isn’t awkward
If you haven’t learned to use overlapping circles to demonstrate relationships Venn vill you?
sure, i could keep my thoughts to myself but i can’t see “likes” in my journal
“Come as you are. As you were. As I want you to be.” ~ Kurt Cobain, confusing party coordinator
My kids have trashed the house again but they also reminded me to buy the ice cream which I’m currently eating instead of cleaning the house, so I’ll give them a pass this time
Them: The tequila made me do it.
Me: The tequila helped me do it.We are not the same.
Pre-Having Daughters:
*Hates hearing “NO” from womenPost-Having Daughters:
*Teaches them “NO” in 167 different languages including Klingon
My kids are yelling and fighting, again.
I really should have Adopted a Highway instead.
If you need me, I’m in bed snuggling with my emotional support Funyuns.
*Emerging from a ten year coma*
Dad: Well look who finally got up
I’m not saying I hate you but if you
were on fire I’d bring sticks and marshmallows.
Predator taking off his mask, but it’s me removing the filters from my selfies.
oh you’re an industrialist? name 5 cheesecakes manufactured at cheesecake factory
[gains weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
[loses weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
I hate when fire trucks drive real slow with the siren on. There’s one behind me right now. So annoying.
Friend: I love your gray eyeshadow!
Me: I’m not wearing eyeshadow.
I know I shouldn’t be on top of this table singing Don’t Stop Believin’ loud, off-key, and wrong, but please know it’s because I love all of you. You’re my friends, my family, an-
~ Me, right before getting kicked out of Starbucks
“IF THE EASTER BUNNY HAD TIME TO HIDE ALL THESE EGGS AROUND THE HOUSE, IT SURE AS HELL HAD TIME TO DO A COUPLE OF LOADS OF LAUNDRY”
any man with a ponytail is never more than 15ft away from a katana at any given time
I saw nothing
Why can’t I be rubied or diamonded. NOOO. I had to be jaded.
Exercise workout videos always have the person smiling. I would rather have a video where the lead person is complain cussing the whole time and saying things like Why are we doing this? This is horrible.
Quit doubting my abilities, I can drive with one hand and crash the car with the other…
Team leader: This is a do or die situation.
Me: It absolutely is not.
6yo granddaughter: wonder how far this will go
Twists doll head til it snaps off
Screeches “mom!!!”
Me: you’d make a rotten serial killer
We are the people our parents warned us about.