Pork is awesome, but it’s best when used as a verb.
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I’m at the grocery store at 10pm buying a bottle of wine with a bag of quarters… I understand why you want to see my ID.
Botany good plants lately?
ME: oh no inanimate objects are coming to life
FRIEND: what where
ME: look out the window
STEPHEN KING: But the warning came too late. The evil window attacked
Took Me Eleven Minutes to do That Thing I’ve Been Avoiding for Three Months: A Memoir
The most unrealistic part of The X Files was how no one got called into a budget meeting. It’s a government agency for crying out loud
narrator: Phoebe outstretches her arms to appear bigger and ward off the door-to-door salesman
Don’t know if it’s the cape, the boom box or the telescope, but it’s getting so a guy can’t even bbq on his roof without attracting attention.
Looking forward to getting my eyes checked. It’s the only doctor who doesn’t weigh me.
Guy who invented the piano: 200 hundred years from now it may need tuning but it will be sturdy. So sturdy.
His friend, who invented piano benches: the legs are designed for maximum wobble
Twitter: she’s on to us
Me: No no..it doesn’t matter, I love you
Twitter: I’m just an app
Me: ‘Presses finger to twitter lips. Shhhhhh
This video of a hamster riding a mini moped has been on repeat since I seen it lol
what if your teeth were naturally flaccid and got hard when you got hungry
I don’t know who needs to hear this but women don’t really wear flowery see-through dresses to ride horses in real life.
Wife: Please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny
[Later]
Them: So how did you two meet?
Me: I did NOT buy her on eBay
ME: Help! Boa constrictor!
BOA: Actually, I’m a python.
ME: Help! Boa contradictor!
Taught my daughter how to use Amazon Lists and now I have 371 items under “you should buy me this”
[Before the ten commandments were handed down]
Kevin: Hey Doug, can we kill people?
Doug: Kev my man I genuinely have no idea
How can I say no to this ?
Me: Flirting is fun
Me when actually flirting: OMG HOW DO I DO THIS. WHATS A WINK. IVE FORGOTTEN HOW TO BREATHE. YOUR FACE IS TIDY. HOW DO I HUMAN. HELP.
The fastest way to break your favorite mug is to say “I love this mug”.
If owned an Italian restaurant, in October I would change the menu to say “fettucine afraido” and “garlic dread” and “boocatini”. I would go out of business, but it would be worth it.
My bank balance is a gentle reminder that in a few years my twins will have to battle it out for one college place!
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside.
well, 75% of you passed math and will not have to come to summer school
[from the back]
“what about the other 65% of us?”
[hands over brown bag with £10,000 ransom]
“Now give me my wife.”
“This is short by £2.39”
[hides Mcflurry] “it’s all I got.”
none of the animals i designed and invented are at the zoo. do they even check the suggestion box
AMAZON: Did you buy a watch?!
ME: Yeah, it’s-
AMAZON: You might want THIS watch!
ME: No I already-
AMAZON: ONLY WATCHES FOR YOU, FOREVERMORE
I thought I was smooth, sneaking away from my date to watch a YouTube tutorial on chopsticks, but all he did was ask in horror why I took my chopsticks into the bathroom.
*at the bakery*
Baker: “I’m sorry. We’re out of buns, but we have other baked goods.”
Me, with my pet anaconda: “Listen, hun…”
grocery store clerk: did u find everything ok today
me, who couldn’t find the tortillas after 30 minutes of searching: yes