@QwertyJones3: Pork is awesome, but it's best when used as a verb.
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@T_N_Crumpets: Bartender: YOU'RE the guy that drinks from the soap dispenser in the toilets? Me: [I try to say "NO" but it's just lavender scented bubbles]
@theshamingofjay: Life Goals Me at 14 - get a girl to like me, figure out how to have sex Me at 34 - get a girl to like me, figure out how to have sex
@_wangwe: Never ask a shepherd how many sheep he owns, I don't think he'd know, he probably falls asleep every time he takes inventory.
@EndhooS: [Commercial for axes] [A lumberjack swinging a dead goat against a tree in the woods] *Turns to camera* "There has to be a better way?"