[portal opens]
dark lord: FINALLY! EARTH’S TREASURES ARE MINE!
gary: what if the REAL treasure is our friendsh-
dark lord: not now gary
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55 burgers 55 fries 55 tacos 55 fries 55 cokes 100 tater tots 100 pizzas 100 tenders 100 meatballs 100 coffees 55 wings 55 shakes 55 pancakes 55 pastas 55 peppers and 155 taters
(spilling my bag at the airport in an attempt to show off) oh sorry lol these are just my Hot Wheels
At my age getting lucky means having the house to myself
Once your kid learns about the planet Uranus, you can bet uranus you’ll be hearing uranus puns for months.
Asked my allergist to test for kid allergies and she said I can’t be allergic to my kids so that sucked.
Caught my cats filing nuisance lawsuits again.
A cup of water A cup of water
when it’s in when it spills
a cup on the table
You know you’ve got a drinking problem when you’re looking at the unleaded nozzle being labeled as 15% ethanol and you’re like “same, brother”
Left a plaster cast of my mouth at the bakery so they know exactly how big to bake the cupcakes
Do people who take performance enhancing drugs know nothing of coffee?
“Hi, how much for a slice of pizza?”
A slice is $2.50, and second slice only $1.
“I’d like 3 second slices please”
It’s not illegal to tell a ghost story when a cop shines a flashlight in your face
Anyone who expects to feel safe in a driverless car has never owned a printer.
I’d like to be so rich I forgot what country I left my private jet at after a crazy weekend
Social distancing has taken all the fun out of avoiding people.
Each time I use an exclamation point, I feel as if I’m shooting my sentence out of a t-shirt cannon.
Omg, autocorrect! For the millionth time, I don’t hate all those birches…
This day in history. 1950. The FBI put out its first 10 Most Wanted list and my dad lost a bet because only 2 of the guys were his brothers.
My wife ate a bowl of chili and a large coffee before our kids’ soccer game today, so I gave her the car keys and said “I hope you make it in the time”
Why did Norway put barcodes on their military boats?
So they could…..Scan da Navy in!
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
Somedays I feel like running away.
Then I remember how much I hate running.
Doctor: Please step on the scale
Me: No weigh
Thank god 4 the guy at the bar yelling “YOU GOTTA CATCH THAT!!!” when a receiver drops the ball. Had no idea he was supposed to catch it.
There was a magnetic necklace for sale at the $1.25 store. It was simultaneously unattractive and attractive.
Whale: Hey did you hear I have a new girlfriend? She’s aaall over me it’s crazy.
Eel: For the last time barnacles don’t count as girlfriends
friend got a quirky ouija board rug for her house and now i mainly hang out there waiting for the roomba to summon demons and shit.
If I give out nudes now, it’s extremely unfair to the nudes I didn’t give out before.
A young Lil’ Wayne sits alone typing lyrics into Word 97 when a cartoon paperclip suddenly appears on-screen.
[Did you mean “digger”?]