[portal opens]
dark lord: FINALLY! EARTH’S TREASURES ARE MINE!
gary: what if the REAL treasure is our friendsh-
dark lord: not now gary
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Boom, boom, ching!
Last night, during dinner, my 7 year old son said….
I need a pen and paper to write down the recipe for this so that when I have children I can make it for them because it’s really nice.
So apparently, he has his whole life planned out, including meals.
My wife’s written “iron school uniform” on a note. She’s full of bright ideas, but to me this sounds heavy and impractical.
I lost my virginity once, I know I can do it again.
her: wanna be my fwb?
me: friends with bacon???
her: …
Hey guys I’m so thrilled to announce that I’ll no longer be thinking! This has been a lifelong goal, and I’m so grateful to everyone who helped get me here
Bad Cop: The proof is in the pudding.
Good Cop: Stop putting all our evidence in pudding. Why do you keep putting our evidence in pudding?
wife: [looking at our baby] lets name her after my mother
me: ok
[later]
friend: aww what’s her name?
[at same time]
wife: alice
me: grandma
*gets in the bus*
*Brings out earphones*
*untangles*
*arrives*
My husband and 4yo are playing with the doctor kit and toy dinosaurs. My husband named the dino doctor The Dinocologist.
We were definitely meant for each other.
My husband said let’s cuddle, so he took one dog and I took the other two, and we cuddled.
My wife just texted to tell me that she killed a spider all by herself, get my union rep on the phone, stat.
Sometimes it’s hard to nap at work. Like, when the boss is standing beside you or when you don’t have a job.
The quickest way to get a creationist to shut up is threatening to throw them off the edge of the earth.
“Can we stop for a second? I forgot everyone’s names again.” – me, if I was a character on Game of Thrones
You guys talk about sex like it’s so great. I had sex once and she made me take off my jean jacket. Just not worth it.
America: School 6-18 should be free. More than free! MANDATORY
“Hey can you cover school 19-22 also?”
No that’s socialism
“19-20?”
SOCIALISM
Fun Fact:
The “eye roll” was created by Eve in the Garden of Eden within 15 min of her first conversation with Adam.
Kids: We’re hungry!
M: Dinner when mum gets home
K: She’s away for a week
M: OK, when I’m done tweeting
K: (sigh) we’ll wait for mum…
I microwave ramen noodles right before I go to bed so that they’re finally cool enough to eat when I wake up in the morning.
Son: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: how long has he been there? he better cough up some rent money
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’m into this
You can’t ask your friends to pack all their lavender clothes in a go bag and come to a secluded cabin and then brand them with an unintelligible symbol without someone getting needlessly suspicious that it’s the beginning of a cult
Me: Help! i need my stomach pumped.
911 Operator: Did you ingest poison, ma’am?
Me: No. Pizza.
I stopped experimenting in bed after the great honey disaster of 2015.
Hey girl, are you a check engine light? ‘Cause I’m not sure what you’re trying to tell me but I have a feeling you’re going to ruin my day.
A Short Story.
Jokes on you DUI Checkpoint, we can no longer afford to drink AND drive.
Son: How do you always know when we lie? It’s like you’re a psychic or a wizard or something.
Me: The word you’re looking for is “mother.”
ME: I make all my decisions by rolling dice
DATE: Ok
WAITER: Can I get you any drinks?
ME: Yes I’ll have-
[rolls dice]
-six beers please