[portrait studio]
ARTIST: I charge $50 per limb, because limbs are difficult to draw
ME: How much to draw me from the side?
ARTIST: That’ll cost you an arm and a leg
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It’s bad enough that I have to die someday, having my whole life flash before my eyes first just seems excessive
Do I have any plans? What do I look like, a goddamn architect?
Sometimes my laptop just stops responding and shuts down so at least we have that in common.
I’m a 4 in America, but in Germany I’m a solid nein.
Not to brag but I’m never late for work without a good reason. For example this week my boss is on vacation…
watering my plants with Mtn Dew to recreate their native environment
“You gotta get me out of here, man.”
“Relax, Monty, I’m working on it.”
“You talk to my lawyer?”
“Yeah, the cops don’t have shit.”
“Okay, good. How’s Theresa?”
“Fine, her mom’s staying with her.”
“Thanks for all this, Frankie.”
“Hey, that’s what cousins are for.”
I’ve been watching a lot of tiktok lately and y’all need to stop marrying people who look just like you do but with a wig on.
ketchup is a weird flavor to do for a chip. just empty a ketchup bottle on a regular chip like the rest of us, bozo!
You didn’t hear this from me, but Helen has an overdue library book.
Me: Ugh…where am I?
Voice: Never mind that. I’ve missed you.
M: WHO’S THERE??
*steps into the light to reveal the DuoLingo owl*
DuoLingo Owl: “Who” indeed…You missed your last French lesson.
M: HEEEELP
D: IT LEARNS TO SAY “JE T’AIME BIEN” OR ELSE IT GETS THE HOSE AGAIN
a fun wedding bit is to sit next to a random guest, point to the bride or groom & whisper, “it should’ve been you”
I hate being the walking dead.
I wish I could be the driving dead.
Even the bus riding dead would do.
Watching the end credits of a movie so you can take note of the producer & director and never ever watch anything else that they make
●︿●
I think it’s safe to say that I’ve earned my gray thumb. My rock garden is blooming like crazy.
4: *hands me a broken toy*
Me: oh no, I’ll see if I can fix it
4: ok but be careful next time
Me:
Them: We’re concerned about you. We think you’re a Black Widow [offers me cake & coffee]
Me: No thanks. I’m trying not to eat between males
[being murdered]
Two Murderers: *trying to kill me at the same time but their stabs cancel out*
Me: *becomes even more alive*
Uh oh…
The guy at the gym said rest days are really important, so I’ve been resting for 6 years.
Don’t push me, I’ve seen EVERY episode of Forensic Files.
My mom was right. My face did stay this way.
Oh, you’re a fan of The Chainsmokers?
Name 3 chains they’ve smoked
doctor: any allergies?
me, remembering the time a loaf of frozen bread fell on my head: gluten.
“Oh, my, god. Becky, look at her butt!”
“DOCTOR PLEASE SHE IS CODING! NOW IS NOT THE TIME!”
Nobel prize to the person who invented stretchy clothes
Me: [trying to keep a stiff upper lip]
Mortician: we’re gonna need that back
inventing words: clothing
My daughter wants something “fun and not boring” for dinner tonight and I’m feeling a lot of pressure now
[first day as a security guard] this painting needs eyes