[posing for mugshot]
“now turn forward”
[flash]
lemme see
You Might Also Like
I couldn’t find a bowl so Flora is drinking from a margarita glass
My grandma got this digital frame that all the family can remotely upload pics. I’m thinking of flooding it with John Wick pictures.
Welcome to lion taming club, please take a seat. Good, now bring it with you. It is your primary weapon.
me: omg you’re dying
my phone: wtf the charger is just across the room
me: [crying] I wish I could help
You never say “I love you” back
Tater tots:
Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.
Me: *buys a bra*
The internet: you like BRAS? perhaps you like ONLY BRAS?? Do you need 10,000 BRAS? Do you need to see a new bra every .5 SECONDS?? HERE ARE ALL THE BRAS FOREVER!! YOU WILL NEVER SEE YOUR FAMILY’S POSTS AGAIN ONLY BRAS!
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind
My favorite part of football is when players “look to God.”
Because He’s all, “I can’t do shit for the Middle East but I’m rooting for YOU.”
I still have all the energy to go to concerts and stay out until two am.
I do not, however, still have the energy for the next day.
My grandfather wanted to stay fit when he turned 60 so he decided to start running a mile a day. He’s 65 now and we don’t know where he is.
Before we eat, my father always makes us join hands and debate critical race theory.
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
LOL!
I have a friend named Stacy. My husband calls her Tracy. After correcting him several times, we are finally both calling her Tracy.
My first and biggest lesson in framing was when I saw my uncle asking 3 children who wanted to take a bath and they all squirmed and loudly yelled NOOOO and then he asked “Who wants to be the FIRST! to take a bath?” and they literally started fighting to be the first
I think
Therefore I am
Tongue tied
Her: Feed me!
Me: To what?
Being in the friend zone is like an employer turning you down for a job, then calling you regularly bitching about the person they did hire.
the squirrels are playing dodgeball with acorns again, must be mating season
Heard my mom tell my dad to “stop tossing her salad” at the dinner table and now I can’t look at either one of them without laughing…
People are like plastic bags: Some are meant to fly, some have holes — but are still useful — and, well, others are full of dog shit.
A puppy can stab a girl in the face then steal her bag & she’d still be like, “Awwww a puppy.”
At bedtime I ceremonially move the claw clip from my hair to the bag of chips, signifying the end of the day.
Any real fan knows the T in Thor is silent.
ex: no one will ever love you like I do.
me: promise?
Dolly Parton wrote “Jolene” and “I Will Always Love You” on the same day and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
A lorry carrying pens, rulers and compasses has overturned on the M1.
Traffic is currently stationery in both directions.
When spiders see you left a pair of shoes in the garage
If you want to receive a text message every 3 minutes for an hour, send your husband to the grocery store.