[posing for mugshot]
“now turn forward”
[flash]
lemme see
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I ate a kid’s meal today at McDonald’s.
His mom got really mad.
If you run through an airport yelling “Marybeth I love you don’t go!” then you can cut through so many lines of people who like romance.
doctor: push through the pain, I can see the head, you can do it!
me: [struggling to pull on my turtleneck sweater] I can taste air
I just made my daughter a grilled cheese and her response was “this is perfect, I bet you can’t do it twice” so yes, she knows how to play the game
Gravy boat is a pretty stupid name. You don’t fill a regular boat with water…
Me: “I think my computer has become self-aware.”
Ian: “What makes you say that?”
Me: “Well, for a start, it’s named itself Ian.”
therapist: if you wanna be sad, be sad
me: I cannot stress how far ahead of you I am on this one
Me, on the phone, in the middle of a story –
my dad: “All right, here’s your mother”
I never know what to wear to the dentist. I can’t wear my white t-shirt because it’ll make my teeth look bad by comparison, but I can’t wear my black t-shirt because I stole it from my dentist.
Reese’s peanut butter cups contain only 3% of our daily recommended protein. But if you eat 97 of them… wait, is that right?
The person in front of me paid for my coffee and I had to do the right thing, so I ordered a donut also.
No one:
Me: oh thank you I got it on sale.
Shrek + Akira = Shakira???
Listen buddy, I don’t know why I’m doing karate in your bedroom either, sometimes things happen
Literally no one understands something more completely than a woman in a meeting who starts a question with “Just so I understand…”
BEYOND burger!
IMPOSSIBLE burger!
UNFEASIBLE burger!
LITERALLY UNFATHOMABLE burger!
burger THAT SHOULD NOT BE!
AFFRONT TO GOD AND CREATION burger!
when the solution to your problem doesn’t exist on stack overflow:
9yo: Mom, what did you do before you had kids?
Me: Slept in.
I love how insurance companies offer “accident forgiveness” like they’re some sort of ancient deity pardoning your existence.
boss: why aren’t you working?
me: i didn’t see you coming!
*i look my lawyer dead in the face*
I said ask him.
*lawyer stands up*
Your honor my client would like to know where you got that robe.
Her: You’re a dumpster fire
Me: So you think I’m hot??
Welcome to parenthood. Your refrigerator is now a graveyard of your kids’ half-finished drinks.
I hate when you meet a new person and you like them, I mean I’m maxed out with 3 friends right now and having a 4th just seems like it’ll eat into nap time
Wife caved and ripped open the bag of Halloween candy two weeks early.
She should have just used the small hole I cut in the bottom a week ago
You think you’ve brought your kids up right and then you find the toothpaste tube squeezed in the middle.
My husband started cooking right after I had cleaned the whole kitchen so he’s basically asking for a divorce.
Go to an open house and ask the realtor if they’ll stand in the basement with the door closed so you can hear if screams are audible outside
Sex with me is like a ferris wheel: slower than you hoped, full of clunky stops and a carny watches to make sure you don’t get off.
We weren’t traipsing, Mom. We are rapscallions. We galavant.