Merica.
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going to the bottom of the ocean anyone want anything
The worst kind of insomnia is snoring induced insomnia. That’s when every time you start snoring your wife shoves you awake…
ME:[defending myself] Oh yeah?? Well I got 5 words for you buddy: please be nice to me
Meanwhile, at the White House… #matwh
turtles are just lizards who work in construction
Cop: you’re going to prison for forgery
Me *slides him a 37 dollar bill* what about now
Good cop: We know it was you. Just confess.
Murderer: I didn’t do nothin’
Breaks the fourth wall cop: Your name in this tweet is Murderer.
[Turning a carved Halloween pumpkin around so it’s now a Thanksgiving pumpkin] “haha suck it, Martha Stewart”
I baked cookies in an EZ Bake oven when I was eleven and now they’re ready.
Girlfriend: hey babe you wanna get breakfast and go for a run?
(Cut to me with a mouth full of Doritos)
Me: I have shin splints
Bed Bath & Beyond starts off pretty normal-sounding, but then it goes galactic.
I painted a hot chick with big jugs
I want cake, to get cake I must get dressed, to get dressed I have to get out of bed, to get out of bed I need cake.
If babies named Todd don’t call themselves “The Toddler” then what’s the point of having a douchebag baby name like Todd?
Listen if vampires don’t age or whatever then why aren’t there any films about vampires set in a future where we all live in space??? Space Vampires?! Do I have to do everything around here
me: there’s a fly in my soup
waiter: quite sorry, we’ll get you another at once
me: no, just the one is enough
A new dating show where couples have 30 minutes to meet, date, get engaged, get married, buy a house, raise 3 kids, retire, travel and die old together.
I’m beginning to suspect I wasn’t sold a corgi
Me: read me my Miranda rights
Cop: you have a right to be the smart one. You have a right to finally realize Steve is the one for you. If you do not have a Steve, one may be provided for you
Me: now read me my Samantha rights
Cop [sighs]: you have a right to be the sexy one…
I should have known a van giving away free cheesy tater tots was too good to be true.
usher: bride or groom
me: just a guest
usher: no which are you here for
me: neither I’m married
Water balloon fight, but the balloons are filled with mayo.
Seriously guys, you have no idea how much nothing I can accomplish when I’m on Twitter.
ME: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
PRODUCER: You mean a choir?
ME: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
hackers play passwordle
Me: oh the usual- just shedding some skin cells and still fascinated with champagne bubbles and tree bark.
Friend: why can’t you ever just say “fine thanks”?
I switched from the cutting wheel to pizza scissors and it’s like I spent the first half of my life trying to shave with a banana.
Pretty sure I burned off a print making dinner, so if anyone needs my right middle finger for doing crimes, hit me up.
Sharks would be a lot less scary if they had ears.
Friend: “I grilled some chickens over the weekend.”
Me: “Did you get the information that you were looking for?”