Possible Fact: If you suffer with freezing cold hands, you are contractually obliged to test their temperature by putting them on people.
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[flirting between USA and Canada]
Canadian: you’re my favourite.
American: no u.
It’s weird when my cat paces around on the front porch as if she’s in some intense conversation. I mean, I even checked her for ear buds.
My cat just sniffed my right eye & licked his lips. When I die alone in my house, he’ll probably eat that eyeball first.
*spends ages choosing a ring tone.
*puts phone on silent
“evreytime god closes a door, he opens a window” – me, tryimg to convince my clients their house isnt haunted
Wife: I had to retire a pair of undies and the next one in the rotation was white,
I hate white pantiesMe: well, that’s the last time they’ll be white, so…
Does anyone want to help me try to find my last 2 molars?
They’re either under the fridge or I swallowed them
#winning
Gravy boat is a pretty stupid name. You don’t fill a regular boat with water…
If every nitrogen atom turned into a horse we would all die
Pack fruit in your lunch so it can decorate your desk until you take it home again.
When I was a kid I used to yell at my grandma for drinking and driving and she was like “it’s Diet Coke” and I was like “but the tv said!” So what I’m saying is, kids really don’t know shit
Danger is very dangerous
Apparently my wife believes that if she didn’t tell me where to turn when I’m driving I’d just keep going straight until I hit an ocean.
a bug flew in my mouth today and that’s probably the healthiest thing I’ve eaten all week
If I suddenly had the ability to teleport, I’d spend an entire day popping up naked in front of people and asking for John Connor.
This puppy is lit but those puppies are litter
HER: it’s pretty sad when people are incapable of moving beyond small talk
ME: do you like things?
Mulder: we’re trapped with ghosts in the stomach of a metal worm.
Scully: those are just people, Mulder. We’re on a train.
Best part of being married is blaming your partner for shrinking something in the dryer because you’re getting fat & it doesn’t fit anymore.
Black licorice tastes like Satan himself made candy and then it expired.
I have this funny thing I do where I say ‘we should grab a beer sometime’ when what I mean is ‘I need to end this call now’.
[1st date]
Her: we should keep religion out of this
*religion gets up & leaves the table*
Me: see what u did? *I get up and chase after it*
I texted 8 on his iPad and asked him to call me and he said “I don’t have app for that” and I said USE A PHONE and he said “oh” and this is who’s supposed to take care me me when I’m old.
this isn’t my first rodeo
– what my 5yr old just yelled as he wrote “rodeo” for the 2nd time
My husband gets me to scream his name by doing his signature move of not leaving any toilet paper in the bathroom.
“Moooooooo”
– bilingual donkey
[first day working as a librarian]
ME: shhhhhhhhhhhhhh
HR MANAGER [annoyed]: as I was saying
[4 hours later]
Tyler Durden: And the 351st rule of Fight Club is you absolutely CANNOT substitute baking powder with baking soda when making pancakes
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face