Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
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Got introduced to a person at work then immediately forgot his name, so now I have to hire a private investigator to follow him home and find out his name because I am a guy and guys will never admit we forgot your name
A fairy godmother but for breakups. She takes your phone and leaves alcohol and possibly your first cat.
Pro tip:
Ask your boss if you can go home early since you’re not going to do anything anyways.
Pulled a loose string on my dress by accident and now I’m naked
I don’t know what the big whoop is if I run out of masks and have to put a paper bag over my head, but the police officer who pulled me over sure seemed pissed about it.
Forget roses, lay her down on a bed of cheeseburgers.
First day as a drug dealer. Made a ton of sales. Boy are people forgetful, they all left their wallets at home.Gonna be rich tomorrow though
I walk around my yard with a fake ankle monitor so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids
Good news, my mom’s friend’s sister’s cousin’s cat doesn’t have ringworm
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
I couldn’t believe it that my child seemed to be more receptive than normal when I asked her what she did at school yesterday. Happy to be asked even. Then she said.
“Things. We did things”
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc u hate ventriloquism
HER: yes
BUNNY: [quietly] don’t let her see u cry
you would think “cyber-art heist” would be something awesome. it never is. imagine having a fortune in art stolen and when people ask what happened you have to be like “i updated my printer and within seconds a million in monkey jpegs was gone”
Star Trek was my favorite show as a kid because I liked to fantasize about getting beamed off this planet.
It’s my favorite show now for the same reason.
Did it again.
Ticked the wrong box in an online survey and I’m now officially in the Sugababes
[walking down the toilet paper aisle]
Spouse: Who’s talking? Who said that?
Me: Very funny, I get it. I need a tan.
I want to buy my girlfriend a present within 250$ on valentines day any suggestions?
I also need a girlfriend to give her the present and 250$.
I’m absolutely irreplaceable at my place of employment. As long as they never try replacing me with a block of wood.
blessings are like coconuts
sometimes you get bonked on the head outta no where, like “what to heck is this furry bonk ball?! I hate it!”
but eventually you learn you can put a tiny umbrella, some rum and a krazy straw in there. now furry bonk ball is friend
Boss: Where’d you go??
Me: I got all the way up front and realized I forgot my pen.
Boss: Okay?
Me: So I went to lunch.
I have the grace of a baby giraffe on a bicycle.
Interviewer: It says here you have advanced math skills. How many times have you used them at work?
Me: *holds up fingers* This many.
I’m not saying I drank a lot over the holidays, but my liver just went to an AA meeting without me.
*ex-Olive Garden server shoveling dirt into a fresh grave*
Tell me when.
If there’s karaoke or no karaoke I’m not going
Whenever I see a white van in the Taco Bell drive-thru, I instantly get jealous of the kidnapees in the back.
I’m at 7%. My phone too. We both will probably die before I get off work.
Associate at the genius bar at the apple store: hi, how may i help you?
me, plunking my laptop down on the table: i can’t find the lowercase numbers!
Crossfit is the healthiest way to get rid of your friends.