[Post fight interview w/ boxer Joey “poor choice of words” Stevens]
Joey: “I just couldn’t get that guy to go down on me.”
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Ever since I had my fingerprints taken for employment, I often sit at my desk gazing off in the distance, reflecting over the opportunity of an exciting life of crime lost by accepting this job.
What’s it called when you’re anxious enough to be a Helicopter Mom, but really, really lazy? A Blimp Mom? Yeah, I’m that.
3 is yelling at baby for rolling off her mat and she’s responding by screaming at him and I’m so glad I followed everyone’s advice and had a second kid so they could entertain each other.
I can see the appeal of being a nudest everytime I do laundry
[lost in Spain]
Wife: ask that man where we are
Me [pretending to speak Spanish with a local]: gracias
Wife: well?
Me: we are in Spain
I thought of a benefit to talking on the phone with someone: if a murder happens and you’re a suspect, you have an alibi.
Wonder what happens when you have a viral tweet, like your phone makes slot machine noises or what
Mambo Number Five, but it’s a list of all the serial killers you dated without ever realizing it
THERAPIST: You need to find yourself
WALDO: ah crap
I’m getting tired of always having to slowly raise my hand every time someone angrily asks, “Who does something like that?!”
If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you you may be in love with a boomerang.
I like to keep my husband on his toes by texting, “How could you do this to me?” at least 2 times per day.
This dogs tail is more talented than I will ever be
Dance like no one’s watching & cook like someone else is cleaning up that shit.
[spelling bee]
moderator: your word is abandon
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: everyone you love will abandon you
me: omg
moderator: lol no not even close
ME: sorry for the hold-up
TELLER: but you didn’t make me wait?
ME: *pulling a gun* haha no I’m Canadian
Kristen Stewart seems like one of those missing milk carton kids who was raised by their kidnapper.
my eco-conscious gang and i do a drive-by shooting from our Smart Car. the recoil from a single shot flips our car, we are arrested easily.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Lego man: Is it because I’m block?
asked my roommate for an update on my cat tofu and she sent me this 😭
Detective: I’m gonna need an interpreter, who killed that man
Frat boy: bruh like straight up this dude low key swooped in here, yeeted his life away and skeeted
Interpreter: I can’t help u dude
waiter: “anything to drink?”
4 year old: “my mom needs a fucking margarita”
So, yeah, they’re always listening.
i have a friend who hates certain hair styles and he told me he stopped watching john wick halfway through. he couldnt get past the middle part.
waiting for halloween be like:
“Release the Kraken!”
…
“Well?”
“We released him. He just took off. It’s not like he was trained or anything.”
…
“Release the tuna!”
[First Date]
Me: Mom said be wary of a full moon.
Moon: That’s no excuse for eating my food.
me: sorry for speeding officer
cop: you’re parked
me:
cop: in the intersection
me: I can smell your thoughts
cop: *into shoulder mic* Ron I owe ya $20 it’s edibles
My wife and I are walking through Central Park and pointing out all of the places that we remember seeing dead bodies on Law & Order.
*in court*
judge [belches]: pardon
me: thank you!