Post more gym selfies so I know who to call when I need to move
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Do people who swirl and sniff their wine in the glass know that it tastes just the same straight from the bottle? Amateurs.
Naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
Lay with me until everything crumbles and nothing but creeping ivy shields us from the incessant chatter of wandering cadavers. Bring snacks
Me: siphoning thrills, fantasy and romance from the library’s books
Friend: why can’t you just say “I’m reading”
Still waiting for the day I can illegally download groceries
*puts nose where it doesn’t belong
*is caught with hand in cookie jar
*loses head
*makes elbow macaroni
*gets fired by funeral home
tossing the phrase “slappery slope” into the discourse like a beach ball and moonwalking away
911! I just murdered a bunch of people
911: omg on purpose?
Hang on lemme ask,
did I murder anyone by mistake?..
No one is answering, So..
Fun fact: they used acronyms back in colonial times too but DOS meant Dead of Smallpox and LMFAO meant Lost My Farm and Outbuildings
The first guy who bought pants had to go to the store without pants on, that’s just science
Sometimes I run across a room really fast so a spider sees me out of the corner of its eye and spends the evening worrying where I’ve gone.
Sorry I screamed in terror when you showed me that pic of your offspring. She’s a very lovely whatever the hell she is.
To the person who honked to get me out of my parking space faster, thank you for inspiring me to delete 3000 emails right here, right now.
Them: What’s your writing process like?
Me: Pretty intense. Very solitary. Organized. Inspired.
My writing process:
Who called it “online shopping while sitting on the toilet”
And not “buyarrhea”
Every morning I have to check my shoes for scorpions. We don’t have scorpions in Illinois people just hate me.
Mad cow disease wears off and eventually you’re just tired with a cow disease.
I’m new to confession. Is it normal for the priest to cry and ask for a priest?
Pug: did you play favorites when you named our breeds?
God: I don’t play favorites.
Pug: what about Golden Retriever and Great Dane?
God: those are just names.
Pug: yeah I guess.
God: I promise everyone got the name they deserved.
Shih Tzu: [to Pug] did you ask him yet?
“What do you mean ‘stuffed'”?
ME: i’ve got two problems – i’m sick with covid, and i can’t tell the difference between the words “dying” and “doing”
DOCTOR: these tests say you’re doing incredibly well
ME: thanks tell my wife I love her
I saw the Cheesecake Factory trending and thought it died.
7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
When you and your ex had plans to get married and now you both have each other blocked on everything
Trying to eat the recommended eight cups of chicken burrito bowl a day. I’ve already noticed my sleep is better, less aches and pains etc.
Only 90’s kids will remember this! *plays outside*
Pretending you’re dead to avoid conversation in the hospital is the worst way to learn how a defibrillator works.
Me: your dress is too revealing
Wife: wear your own clothes then
Driving past a cemetery on a reservation my dad said “you can’t be buried there, do you know why?”
Me: because I’m not Native American?
My dad: no because you’re still alive