Post natal depression is a serious condition. I’m 38 years old and my mum still bursts into tears every time she sees me.
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“I can taste the difference between varieties of brands of mayonnaise”
– my best friend and the whitest man I know
If you thought your life sucked after I honked at you, wait till I throw up my arms in displeasure.
I’m gonna scream “AVENGE ME!!!” and then just die of natural causes
Send me your home address and I’ll mail you a personal drawing of your favorite animal as long as its a buffalo.
Me: *buying a pair of socks and a pack of gum*
Kohl’s cashier: You saved $439 today.
It turns out condoms aren’t 100% effective, unless you actually take them out of your wallet…
Amazing statistic. The new U2 album is the most deleted record in history.
Doctor: You suffer from delusions
Me: I don’t think so
Doctor: They seem real but they’re not
Stuart Little: He’s lying to you
Me: Yeah I know
I sleep better naked, why cant the flight attendant understand that?
Me: Look buddy, I’m not here to play games
Arcade Manager: And that’s exactly why I’ve asked you to leave
Sometimes you just have to throw away a few sheets of perfectly good printer paper so it can hide all the candy wrappers in your trash can.
My 6yo told my husband he was “grounded for eternity,” but my 4yo pointed out that “you have to let him out when he dies so he can go to a cemetery.”
Quarantine: stay inside where theres nothing to do and be sa-
Adderall & Craft Supplies: MAKE DUCKS
They are only bad decisions if you get caught
Where in the hell are Dora the Explorer’s parents? Do they know she’s riding a damn crocodile into a volcano?
In New England, we only have two seasons:
1) Ice cream will melt if you leave it in the car
2) Ice cream is fine if you leave it in the car
I tried giving a gentle reminder to my kids about cleaning their rooms, but a megaphone works much better.
The local casino is hosting a speed dating event.
Just what every woman needs, a new boyfriend with a gambling problem.
“Alas, I am surrounded. You must fight on, gentlemen, I fear that it is too late for me. Now come and get me you savages, we shall travel to Hell together!”
Cardio? Is that in Spain?
guy: my dog just died
girl who studied abroad: wow that reminds of this one time in Europe i saw a dog
The five years of life you gain by eating healthy are spent preparing healthy food.
FYI, you don’t have to be a waiter in order to go in a restaurant and wander from table to table asking people, “How’s everything tasting”
“How is tofu made?”
Well, when an edamame loves an edadade very much….
WIFE: Don’t tell the kids but I threw away those awful pictures they made & stuck on the fridge
ME: [sprinting towards the bin] MY ART
Men are like buses, they won’t text me back.
ST BERNARD DOG: [getting ready for work] Honey have you seen my barrel?
WIFE: Which one?
SBD: The little one I wear AROUND MY NECK EVERY DAY
I just wrote a $1500 check for a cow, like some kind of 1930s housewife.
Mother’s Day is like the Purge for moms. We can literally do whatever we want for 24 hours.
Sorry I got kicked out of the auditorium for yelling GET A TOMB YOU TWO during your little brother’s 9th grade production of Romeo & Juliet.