Posted a photo of my clean house on Facebook and it was flagged as fake news.
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Doctor: Your son needs a kidney transplant
My mom: K, he NEEDS or he WANTS one?
Your honor? My client would like to address the court and ruin everything.
*Me at a fitness consult
Trainer: you need to cut way back on carbs
Me: what am I supposed to melt my cheese on?
Trainer:
Me : where are you going?
I’m glad my office has this giant shredder because otherwise I don’t know what I’d do with all this work.
If you’ve ever referred to yourself as a “diva” there is a 100% chance at least one person you know has fantasized about murdering you.
Roses are red. Violets are blue. If he’s busy on Valentine’s Day, the side chic is you.
It’s unfortunate that our feet can’t taste things because there’s so much potential in flavored socks and crocs.
When your girlfriend comes home in a white suit, covered in bee stings and smelling like honey.
You know she’s a keeper.
Not to brag, but I can spend hours coming up with reasons not to do something that takes 5 minutes.
THEN WHY IS HE WEARING A BOWTIE? I WANT TO GIVE HIM SPAGHETTI
“You’re acting weird.”
First of all, I’m not acting
My newest passion is making up sex positions when weird dudes ask my favorite. I’m a big fan of the Flying Lacrosse Kick, but I also really like the Tightrope Nanny.
them: do you think about other people when you have sex
me: when I have what now
[at the mall]
Me: i need to get upstairs right awaySecurity Guard: take the escalator
Me: *grabs him by the collar* i need the esca NOW
#NoRestForTheWicked
My doctor said avocados help with depression but so far it’s just sitting there on my counter doing nothing.
When a conversation gets awkward, distract the person by casually kicking a rock. Unless that rock is a poop. And you wore stilettos. And the poop sticks to the end like a skewered turd. And you’ve made it awkward. Now you have something to talk about.
If happiness is a moving target and I’ve been chasing it all my life, why am I fat?
Annie, are you ok? You sure? Cool
That’s how long that song would’ve lasted if I sang it.
*kicks door down*
*realizes its the wrong house*
*leaves*
*comes back with tool bag*
*fixes door*
*apologizes*
Me leaving the house for plans I made when I was in an extroverted mood
Starting tomorrow all opinions of mine directly reflect those of my employers.
HER: *spitting out food* This is GROSS! What did you put in this?
ME: Old Spice. Just like you said to.
HER: I said ALL spice, you idiot!
Side effect of quarantine is it’s really hard to end phone calls. Twice today I almost said “okay I have to run” before realizing there is nowhere to run to
They sent a cardboard detective to investigate.
Shout out to my drug dealer Jamal, he’s taught me more about the metric system than any of my teachers ever did.
Partner: I’m breaking up with you
Me: Oh why?
Partner: It’s the only speaking in single letters thing, it’s weird
Me: Oh. I see. OK
[Inventing Squash]
FRIEND: What are you doing?
ME: I just [smashes ball] really hate this wall
FRIEND: u know what [grabs racket] so do I
I know this intervention is serious business but I see absolutely no snacks here.