Posted a photo of my clean house on Facebook and it was flagged as fake news.
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you know the joke for kids that goes like this?:
“what do you call an alligator in a vest?”
“an investigator.”well, i think i just wrote a new one that goes like this:
“what do you call a duck who’s a detective?”
“deductive.”BONUS: a detective IS an investigator.
“Well, this is no good. How do I turn it off?” – The first primate to experience consciousness
Interviewer: what qualifies you as a horticulturist?
Me: I have something growing on everything in my fridge.
My friends made fun of me for buying this flamethrower, but at least I don’t have to shovel snow this weekend.
Do people really expect to have a satisfying experience on a website that ends with “.gov”?
All I’m saying is there’s no coincidence that Superheroes come in all forms and so does cheese.
I don’t understand how God can have Ten Commandments for the whole world, and my wife can have 152 just for our house.
[about to invent toaster]
i want a jump scare before eating burnt bread
You should be able to twist the bottom of the pringles can to bring the chips to the top like a chapstick.
My bf: talking of politics, real world issues, upcoming events.
Me: do you think donkeys like the sound they make?
warning lights and gentle chimes are not enough, when my car is low on gas I need it to punch me in the face
Due to personal reasons, I’ve decided to become a mermaid that lures sailors to their doom.
Secretly Canadians love it when people mistake them for Amer-
*is decapitated by a hockey stick*
Who are you to tell me what to do? You’re not my bank account.
ME: [practising my samurai sword moves in the mirror]
[ever so slightly later]
ME: [dying from massive blood loss]
cicadas cotton eyed joe
🤝
where did they come from?
where did they go????
How does a pod of dolphins make a decision?
Flipper coin.
#DolphinDay
*puts on sports bra*
Well, that’s enough exercise for today…
“My favorite New Year’s resolution was to stop trying to reason with unreasonable people. This has reduced both my correspondence and my blood pressure.”
Just once, I would love to look my kid in the eyes when he gives me a picture he spent a long time coloring, and have the nerve to say, “could you make me another one…that’s not what I wanted,” just so he can get a sense of what it feels like to make him dinner every night.
Knitting socks for all the geese in the park, they were grateful until they got wet now I have angry geese in wet socks chasing me, this is a powerful lesson I won’t soon forget
“Let’s see what you’re made of!” he says on approach, knife in hand.
“Good.” I mutter. “Another adversary who paid no attention in Biology.”
*wakes up to wife and son screaming*
me: What are you guys yelling about?
them: YOU’RE DRIVING
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
If both of my middle fingers are blown off in a fireworks accident I’ll never be able to drive again.
Give it a rest, Quinoa. I know birdseed when I see it.
adam and eve had first world problems
A werecoyote can only be killed with a silver anvil.
Everybody values honesty, until they have an ugly baby.
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out