How many dates should you wait before you tell a girl that you’re just a barn owl
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Sorry, I can’t make it. Can’t find my “goin out” sweatpants.
A very busty woman whispers to me “I want you to tell me if these look real” my eyes widen, then she takes out pictures of the moon landing
Shout out to the pack of wolves that raised me to be the lady I am today.
Today I’m grateful that I fit through my doggie door and that my bulldog didn’t bite my face off as I was making my way through
*fingerpaints your nude portrait using a can of Easy Cheese*
establish dominance at a funeral by crying first
I buy mixed berries because I like them, but really I enjoy eating blackberries with raspberries, and imagining that I’m eating the world’s tiniest chess board.
wordle is just figuring out who to put in the bunkers during the apocalypse so humans can start procreating after.
[1st date]
-I’m a fish whisperer.
Wow, what does that mean?
-*whispers* Fish.
Oh… Haha um what do you-
-*whispers right in her ear* Fish.
When I say “let me think about that” it means I’m gonna ask someone smarter than me
I’d like to thank the British for wearing red coats and making it easier to shoot them 238 years ago. We couldn’t have done this without you
The great thing about playing the bagpipes is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
road expansion addicts be like “just one more lane bro i promise traffic will be fixed, just one more i can stop whenever”
In store checkout behind beautiful woman in sleek black dress. She’s buying tequila and a quart of motor oil.
Sure like to know that story
date: you look nice
me: well you look very [peeks at thesaurus under the table]…ornate
Love thy neighbor’s dog
A guy in Hawaii survived a shark attack while surfing by punching the shark in the face and I get scared to take a shower if I see a spider.
Why is it called a phobia-induced breakdown and not tears for fears?
Only wearing tennis skirts from now on and frankly disappointed in myself for not thinking of it sooner.
Cleaning a house with children in it is like shoveling snow on the North Pole.
My what?
[rooster sits down in barber chair]
Give me a cockadoodledo
Van Gogh’s girlfriend: my dearest Vincent, lend me your ear
Him: cuts ear off
Her: I just wanted u to listen to me
Him: nah, I’m good
I borrowed $20 from my 11-year-old and she mentioned something about interest. What the hell are they teaching kids in school these days?
I’ve resorted to stuffing my bra with car trash so I can get everything out in one trip, but thanks for carrying that sticker inside, son.
Noah had a younger brother called Rick who just built a speedboat and saved 9 cheetahs
Running your mouth is not cardio.