@senderblock23: Pot bellied pigs are gateway pigs to cocaine bellied pigs.
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@MyHairyLife: If you take longer than 10 seconds at the hand dryer, I will wipe my hands on the back of your shirt.
@hippieswordfish: ME: any advice DAD: its ok to embellish a little [later at job interview] INTERVIEWER: tell me about yourself M: i wrote harry potter
@hazelmotes1: I read an article about a stolen dog being reunited with its owner and it made me feel good to think maybe someone will steal my dog one day
@DaddyJew: Trainer: have you been sticking to your diet? Me: *tries to mumble yes but a chicken wing falls out of my mouth*