First date:
And if you could slide over a little bit my Mom would like to sit next to you…
You Might Also Like
This cat poop tastes like I’m about to get yelled at.
— Dogs
Spiders have it about right.
If he doesn’t bring her a snack when he courts her it’s curtains..
Oh so when Van Helsing kills a vampire he’s a hero, but when I do it I’m “ruining Halloween”
Pacifist? No, I think all oceans are beautiful
ME: You go thru space & time, just traveling alone?
DOCTOR WHO: Usually w/a companion
ME: Folks from space-time?
DW: God no 21st century UK
[ first time mugging ]
me: gimme all your mash
him: did..did you just say-
me: mash. omg i did
him: lol
me: started to say money, then cash jumped into my head last second, i’ve never done this before sorry
him: np my dude, take it from the top
me: gimme all your coney ope
Good morning to everyone except people that sit right beside me when there are lots of other seats open.
*first day as medical examiner*
Me: What killed him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And h– let me guess, cancer?
Dr: Nope. Sagittarius
When I told my 12 year old that I’d be back in 1 hour and was 15 mins late:
Him: Where were you, I was worried!
Me: I had to make an extra stop, you could have texted me.
Him: YOU SAID 1 HR!
ME: Sorry……dad?
Chihuahua is my favorite pet that is also the sound I make during a bikini wax.
I’m slowly replacing people in my life with different snack foods.
Who does Amazon think I am?
I’m in a really bad place right now*
*in my neighbor’s driveway “stealing” my doordash that was delivered to the wrong house
AM I BEING GASLIT????
Someone robbed a Pensacola Mini Mart stealing 300 cases of Red Bull. How do these people sleep at night.
Day 5 of self quarantine:
My all hamster version of The Sound of Music has hit a snag because Maria ate three of the Von Trapp children
I don’t know, Jay-Z. If I was worth half a billion dollars, I’d have like 3 problems. Max.
Carrot raisin salad. When you want to eat something horrible, 3 times.
Exterminators: The only profession in which you put yourself out of business by being really good at your job.
Whatd I do for Halloween, I hear you ask?
Cleaned off the porch & fed the birds.But like, scarily. Or whatever.
BANK ROBBER: I said keep your hands up!
ME: *Exasperated sigh* The whole time?!
A missing princess, an evil prince, a conniving queen, and a dying king? England has become a Disney movie.
My she-ro of the day is the project lead who turned on her camera during today’s group Skype meeting.
they should make a pepper spray that sprays both forwards and backwards so you cant get confused. yeah I’m getting sprayed. but so are you. and Im probably gonna handle it better because of my unbreakable spirit
My 4yo tells me his toothpaste is “too spicy” but he doesn’t seem to be having any trouble with Flamin’ Hot Cheetos
My family has been giving each other the same eight gift bags since 1973.
Just learned that the main guy from the Sopranos was named Tony Soprano what’s next you’re gonna tell me the guy from True Detective is called Tony True Detective c’mon
[trying to talk to girl]
Ha so you from around here?
“Ya”
Cool me too. I love planet earth
*snowing outside*
HIM: I should salt the front walk
ME, nodding: Ooh, to enhance the umami flavor
why are they called stepfathers and not faux pas