“[I] broke up with him because I was sick of justifying his trench coat to my friends” – Overheard on the bus
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Post nuclear war:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishment remains.My refrigerator after a 14 year old boy comes home from school:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishm—
Hey girl, are you the barbed wire fence surrounding Meryl Streep’s house? Cause I just can’t seem to get over you
Have some fun at work: End every comment with a long slow wink
“My report is super late”
*long slow wink*“I swear I didn’t drink at lunch”
*long slow wink*“Oh, I’m fired?”
*long slow wink*
My aunt cuts her name & address label from magazines for fear of the legendary “saw your name & address on a magazine label” murderer
my mom refers to crying as “squirting” and I, oh my god…..can you tell her
New shoes. I feel like I should go outside and step directly in dog crap and get it over with.
When the atm charges you 3.50 to take out your own money but tells you to cover your pin so you don’t get robbed
My husband is out w/friends & I’m at home w/the kids. I’m going to sprinkle Legos under the covers on his side of the bed.
Hates everyone who has a cooler birthstone than mine.
I had a really fun date last night but when I went back to his place he had like an unsettling number of beanbag chairs? Approximately 7? Just isn’t sitting right.
King Crab: look at me, I have delicious legs
Imitation Crab *with funny voice*: look at me, I have delicious legs
PARENTING TIP: Never, at any time or under any circumstance, say yes.
Mayonnaise is basically sandwich moisturizer.
If you ever wanted to watch another human take 20 minutes to eat 1 slice of bread because all of a sudden they were soo hungry, then kid bedtime™️ might be right for you
sometimes I throw random produce into my basket at the grocery store so I don’t look like an 8 year old who just got an advance on their allowance
I lost my job today
“What? How?”
I just wasn’t a good housekeeper
“BUT YOU’RE A BEEKEEPER”
Well that explains all the screaming
The guy at DQ gave me an extra chicken strip so I guess it will be a June wedding
This generation has discovered the selfie stick. My generation discovered AIDS. Don’t know what’s worse.
Is….Is this an option?
If you fear that a giraffe has killed your wife and stolen her identity, these are the signs to look out for:
I feel like it’s customary to lose a meatball out of your sub when you’re wearing your favorite shirt.
Wife: *banging on bedroom door* I know about you and the murder
Me: oh shit
Crows: *in bed with me* finally we can be together
I really admire my daughter’s restraint. When we were reunited after a week apart she waited 5 whole minutes before asking what I brought her
*I reach for the thermostat*
*my dad runs in barking*
*neighbor’s dad starts barking*
*within seconds all the neighborhood dads are barking*
“I’m in a New York state of mind” ok so you’re just being rude to tourists and eating bagels
lmaooo this was a legitimate email my sister sent to a college professor when she forgot to submit a paper whilst drunk at a darty. like can you imagine reading this with sober eyes????
Since we don’t have children my wife shows people photos of our Air Fryer.
If God sent a flood to wipe out humans for being perverts what kinda nasty shit were the dinos into?