Potato chips bragging about having less fat – I don’t think you understand people who eat you.
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Them: how are you?
Me: anxiety riddled and cute as a button… but like, a button that’s been at the bottom of a sewing bag since your grandma was in home ec
A neighbor asked my 5 yo if we had fun plans this weekend and he responded “we will probably go on a walk after dinner.”
Buckle up folks, things are about to get crazy.
(texting gf) In uber. Be home soon. Cant wait to see you (accidentally pressing dictation button) Ohhhh i want a hamburger so bad. Hot dog too. Ohh man I want a mcchicken. me too. Woww I want a burger. Yeah I want a cheeseburger too. Ohhh wow me too. I want a hot dog.With the bun
The first 8-10 hours after I wake up are the roughest.
“We had to let him go. He was only pulling 15 times his weight.”
– Corporate ants.
Why is it called a “prison compound” and not a “guilt complex”?
When I was a kid my family was so poor my parents were forced to give my imaginary friend up for adoption.
Who named it “Viagra” …..
and not “Miracle Grow” ?
Haha no i do not care what people think of me. Why what have u heard tell me everything right now
*moonwalks into office* *draws dual finger guns* *fires off seven shots at Annie from HR* *holsters guns* *gets chosen for random drug test*
unstable person: “jet fuel doesn’t melt steel beams, 9/11 was an inside job”
stable person: “i look after horses”
worst…sale…ever
Age 15: kids are stupid
Age 25: kids are stupid
Age 35: I love my kids but kids are stupid
satan: welcome to hell
me: this isn’t so bad..is this a library?
s: yup all you can read!
m: wow!
s: say, weren’t you paralyzed by indecision your entire life?
me, nervously: yes..why?
*satan gestures to shelves of nothing but “choose your own adventure” books*
m: aw hell
“It’s not you, it’s meat” – vegan break up
My son plays this game where he’s a bowling ball and the bowling pins are everything we own.
do you ever think about how since Doordash started, some amount of cars in a traffic jam are just someone’s sandwich. a whole spot on the road just occupied by a guys lunch
“No man is an island.”
– someone with a basic grasp of land forms and human biology
“Aboot a half kilometer up the road.”
“Thank you.”
“Just past the Tim’s on your left.”
“Much appreciated.”
“My pleasure, eh.”
*2 days before payday*
Me: CLEAR!
Teller: I’m telling you that this is unnecessary
Me: *places defibrillator onto check* I SAID “CLEAR”!
Indie bands are always like “we recorded this album at an abandoned spaghetti factory in Providence, Rhode Island.” Why? Why’d you do that? There are recording studios with couches and electricity
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
Twinkle twinkle little whore, close your legs they’re not a door.
For a movie called IT, there were suprisingly few computers in it
Old guys always send me a “Good morning beautiful” and never a “V, you are the only beneficiary of my 3 million dollars life insurance”… Romance is dead
Heard my dog talking to a chipmunk out on the deck, and I’m positive I overheard “nothing much, just getting some air, the whole place smells like wet human”
fly smarter, not harder
*gets down on one knee*
Wow, you really suck. Why can’t you be more like the other knee?
Good cop: be a pal and tell us who did crime
Dad cop: you’re gonna want to be at the airport ten hours before your flight
A lot of people don’t know this but if you pull the stick out of a corndog, it’ll explode like a grenade