*pounding on her chest*
DON’T DIE ON ME KAREN!
*pounds harder*
(sobbing) BREATHE DAMMIT!
CPR instructor: Ok, so that was wrong.
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Me: [fails Captcha test]
Captcha: haha goptcha
You don’t have to seduce me with restraining orders and joyrides on the hood of your car, you had me at. “No, I was waving at my friend.”
Understand men, or die trying.
Or try dying.
Or quit trying.
Or lie crying.
Or cry tweeting.Or tweet trying, to understand men.
Nature : Earth is 95% full. Please delete anyone you can.
Corona : Got it.
I’d joined kids karate to crush them; I hadn’t thought of their strength in numbers. They were piling on like Gremlins. This was happening.
Mom would send me to the store and I would spend the change on candy and told her I lost it, so she started giving me exact change and I started losing a loaf of bread on the way home.
[Waiting at the dentist]
*leans over to stranger*
I’ll clean your teeth for half price.
One more missile failure and the Acme Corp. is going to lose that North Korea contract.
An unintentionally hysterical ad offering proof why ‘branding’ always needs a second pair of eyes.
People who jump right out of bed at 5 AM and turn on every light in the house, who hurt you?
I showed my kids Pitch Perfect but now my 7yo is adamantly insisting we form a family acapella group and HOW DO I UNDO THIS????
“i don’t think people should get murdered” have you considered people are the number one cause of murder in the world? so you support murderers???
[job interview]
“Any weaknesses?”
I pick fights for no reason
“Can you explain?”
*leans in way too close* Are we gonna have a problem?
if you ever need to teach me a lesson, there is no reason to send three ghosts. a single ghost will do. im not committed enough to any of my negative personality traits to be like “sorry but i’m gonna keep on stealing from walmart unless you make this a multi-ghost situation”
My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?
Me: Um, can you be more specific?
Husband: Let’s focus on this week
Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-
Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call.
BRO LMFAO
You would think that after 8 years of yelling at her dog, my neighbour would have learned that the dog doesn’t understand English. Try Spanish, you imbecile.
Installing home security cameras seemed like a great idea but explaining my dance offs with the dog was something I should’ve considered.
*thinks of joining gym tomorrow*
*celebrates the thought with a pizza*
Me: ‘I just want to do something spontaneous.’
Combustion: ‘We’ll see.’
Therapist: Would you use alcohol, food and sex as a means of feeling happy?
Me: Yes, thanks.
So what does everyone do with their dryer lint
Guilt is a dish best served by Mom.
Elliott didn’t care about E.T. He just wanted a flying bike.
Sex is great but have you tried taking a shower after a week of camping?
*finally finds comfiest position in bed*
bladder: so you’re not going to believe this
Appetizer is the Latin word meaning I’m hungry now and don’t wanna wait for big food
I only like to read about non violent historical events. I’m a pastifist.
ME: There’s a dead fly in my soup
WAITER: Yes
ME: There’s a dead fly in a tiny burning longboat in my soup
WAITER: Yes
ME: A cricket bard sings his spirit into the next world
WAITER: Yes
ME: My compliments to the chef