*pounding on her chest*
DON’T DIE ON ME KAREN!
*pounds harder*
(sobbing) BREATHE DAMMIT!
CPR instructor: Ok, so that was wrong.
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turning my gender off to conserve energy
Me: Why am I suddenly sick?
Friend: Probably the change in the Weather
[earlier]
Weather: *uncharacteristically puts poison in my coffee*
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “mussel”
me: can you use it in a sentence?
judge: check out the mussels on this fisherman
me: umm
never compromise your values
Planning to edit the three Hobbit movies into one watchable movie. Should I use Instagram or Vine?
Hey, hey…calm down please. Stop crying. I think all babies are ugly, not just yours.
For my niece’s 7th birthday, I’m filling a pinata with a smaller pinata. When she breaks it open I’m gonna yell “Oh God! She was pregnant!”
8yr old: I’m teaching myself sign language and I’m so upset! Why would they do this?!?
Me: Do what?
8: Do you know what the sign for cactus is?
Me: I do not.
8: It’s the middle finger! I can’t use the middle finger!
Me: Well, I mean, how often do you say cactus?
8: That’s fair.
the only reason i’m gonna go to my 10 year high school reunion is to see if the kid that wore shorts year round is wearing shorts
Not a catfish. Just behind on my lip waxing.
Why is it that when other women wear a chain over a turtleneck it looks impossibly chic but when I do it I look like that 1994 photo of The Rock
For once I’d like the menu options to carefully listen to ME. I’ve changed too, you know.
I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
Gravy boat.
Gravy boat.
All the dishes are on my son’s bedroom floor so I’m drinking coffee from a GRAVY BOAT!
No one is born racist. Racism is taught. By other races.
Just your annual reminder about this seagull that turned orange after it fell into a container of chicken tikka masala while trying to get a piece of meat from a factory bin. #SpiceGull
Me: Your dating profile said you’re looking for a girl who knows how to have fun.
Him: Yes! *winks*
Me: [starts taking kittens out of purse]
If you hate Capitalism so much, then just write everything in lower case. Problem solved.
It wasn’t a crisis until my mother heard about it.
Life can change in an instant. Hug the people you love, and appreciate what you have, before it’s gone.
What he said, “Let’s just drop it.”
What I heard, “I can’t think of a single way to win this argument, I bow to your wit and intelligence.”
Today my husband ate margarine with a spoon. Long story short, I’m unable to see a future with him. We had a good run.
BRAIN: it’s 4am u up?
ME: leave me alone
B: who was our grade 5 teacher?
M: stop
B: why’s our eye itchy?
M: I’m ignoring u
B: engage bladder
Of course my tweet applies to you, random moron on the internet who doesn’t even follow me.
Why have an affair when you can so easily ruin your marriage by remodeling the kitchen?
When you set up a LAN for an 8 yr old kid’s birthday party at and then they ask you to play
INTERVIEWER: Says here you do magic tricks?
ME: *hands him back his business card* Is this your card?
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
I just ran 4.1 Kms and realized you can write anything you want after that and no one will read it purple monkey dishwasher.
Anti-carb diets are just radical groups of potato-phobes and spud-judists.
wife *sees chair* [thinking] That would look great with the new rug in the living room
me *sees chair* [thinking] Chair