*pounds fist twice on chest*
*kisses two fingers*
*throws peace sign & nods head at DJ*I don’t know what I just did, but we should leave.
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*Gets left on read for hours*
Me: “I’m never talking to them again”
Them: *Finally replies*
Me:
cop: you’re free to go
me: but
cop: go on now
me: please
cop: I SAID GET OUTTA HERE
me: *runs into the forest*
cop: :'(
Meteorologists are always talking about the weather and hardly ever about meteors.
men invented arm wrestling so they could hold hands and look in each other’s eyes
My toddler just said “Knock knock, who’s there” then slapped me in the face and said “it’s me”
Ok then.
Twitter: You have 87 notifications
Me: Nice
Gmail: You have 7 emails
Me: Oh FOR THE LOVE OF CHRIST
if we all just stop paying bills at the same time what they gon do
They say revenge is a dish best served cold so I served cold pizza with pineapple
Raisins are grape jerky.
Based on how poorly this burrito was wrapped, I assume it was made by the one person at Taco Bell that has never rolled a blunt.
My 4 year old daughter found a set of handcuffs in the bedroom. How the hell she found them I don’t know. She asked me why they were there. I said they were for when Daddy had been naughty he had to wear them. She repeated this to her Grandparents. Absolutely mortified.
Just found out my birthday is the same day I was born…
Life is crazy…
God, designing a toddler: ya know what would be hilarious would be if it has no ability to reason but talks nonstop. Also make it trip a lot
*starts watching Top Gun*
*seriously hopes Goose doesn’t die this time*
Fun trick: Swap guacamole with wasabi, then watch.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who doesn’t remember asking you to wake her up from a nap
The order the Star Wars movies are being released is based on the order in which Yoda would count from one to nine.
Professor X: Being literal is not a superpower
Guy: But-
Wolverine: Look man, just take the L and leave
Guy: *Drives away*
Woverine: Oh no you didnt!
I got 99 tabs open but my work ain’t one.
{At the last supper}
Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”
Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”
If you’re not singing “Hitler Baby one more time” to the tune of Britney Spears’ “Hit Me Baby One More Time” I’m sorry but you are now.
The existence of Tumblr implies the existence of Glss and Coffe Mg
Home #decor warning.
On the way to school this morning:
5yo: “Mom, stop singing along to this song.”
Me: “What? Why can’t I sing?”
5yo: “Because if you keep singing like that, I won’t like this song anymore.”
her: can you put egg plant on the shopping list
me: *writes* ‘chicken’
“wow this rap song is good I wonder who this is”
*waits literally 4 seconds*
“oh there look at that he said his name how convenient”
“Nothing there? Better bark at it.” – a dog
Revenge is a dish whose photos I haven’t yet seen on Instagram.
I don’t understand what you mean by ‘stop drinking so much’. How else will you know how much I love you at 2am every day?
Hear me out: a Menstrual pad shaped like dinosaurs called The Jurassic Period