*pounds fist twice on chest*
*kisses two fingers*
*throws peace sign & nods head at DJ*I don’t know what I just did, but we should leave.
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Everyone: backing into parking spaces is stupid
Person who backs into parking spaces: the world is not ready for my level of ingenuity
I hate when my kids and I can’t agree on where we are going for Sunday breakfast, but I love that we all agree I’m not making it.
Starting a diet is a lot like starting a lawn mower, you struggle and sweat and end up on the couch eating ice cream with your shirt off.
My dad shouted “shut up idiots” to the cats.
I told him “You’re speaking English to a cat. You’re the idiot. You have to meow at them.”
Next week my wife and I are going to Chicago to celebrate our anniversary. If you are around, want to meet and catch up, please let me know so I can avoid you.
My wife and I will be sleeping.
I am fairly well educated, but not ‘knows every nuance of the English language’ educated.
I also have no idea what ‘nuance’ means.
The letter C should make a “ch” sound. S and K got the rest covered. Waste of prime alphabet real estate and does nothing original without help from my man H.
If you are not supposed to drink WD40 why does it come with a straw??
getting a nose ring so i don’t lose my keys
I’m done – Now even the damn ouija board is asking me who I’m voting for in the election
Good morning to everyone, especially those who don’t need to turn every tweet into a sexual innuendo, I know it’s hard, very hard.
Goodnight moon, goodnight stars, goodnight perfectly normal Purple Rain album cover where Prince’s eyes follow u across the room
Hey dude, there’s 10 empty urinals in here no need to stand right next to…
And now he’s talking to me!Someone call 911!
the first cicada of the season just walked itself right into my fire pit. 13 years under ground looked at the world and said nope
Overheard:
“I think that creepy guy is listening to our conversation.”
Schrödinger: How’s my cat, Doc?
Vet: I have good news and bad news..
her: i’m leaving u
me: bc of my drinking puns
her: yes
me: alcohol u tomorrow
I moved to this city ten years ago with nothing more than the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank.
it’s the silliest best thing
ME: what is an IV for
ROMAN: yes
“Hello darkness my old friend.”
Darkness: I’m not lending you any money.
My dad left to get a pack of cigarettes 30 years ago and still hasn’t come back. That’s why I never started smoking. I just don’t have the time.
Forget waterboarding, just put a cold hand on my belly and I’ll tell you anything you want to know.
Women never understand the importance of cords. We NEED to keep all these cords, just in case! What if we run out of cords!
Is not cake Is cake
But IS cake But is NOT cake
Wife: Use the newspaper to get that spider down
Me *reads the news out loud*
Spider *depressed* holy shit
*getting sexy boudoir photos taken for my husband*
Photographer: Ma’am, in the next shot, could you please put down the cheeseburger?
[NASA March 1970]
Me: 13’s unlucky. What if something bad happens?
NASA: dude why would you say that out loud!?!
[NASA April 1970]
[everyone in the Apollo 13 Mission Control slowly turns to look at me]
who named it sea urchin and not snorkupine
I’ve never seen a person look more like Danny Torrance, Shelly Torrance, and the Overlook Hotel carpet at once.