5 ways to appear taller
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The cashier told me to have a good holiday like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats, and hummus suggests anything else.
No matter which town/city in America you go to, there is one guarantee, and that is the locals absolutely roasting you for pronouncing the name of their town exactly how it is f***ing spelled
Whenever I get sick, I get my immune system drunk so it will fight anything.
Every day I ask Chatgpt if it knows where my keys are and If it ever knows the answer I’m suing everybody.
Just a reminder that with Die Hard, Robin Hood and Love Actually, ‘Alan Rickman ruins Christmas’ is a whole movie subgenre.
Let me sing you the song of my people at 3-4 am.
-my cat.
Woman on the phone congratulates you for winning “Unknowing Android of the Year.” “I’m not an android!” you protest. “Marvelous,” she gushes
Gonna teach a bunch of old white guys the word “bae” so teens stop thinking it’s cool and it goes away forever.
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’m into this
FRIEND: you should really try Zumba, I’m in the best shape since high school
ME: *not really paying attention* oh yeah
*two weeks later watching my Roomba on my couch*
ME: ive never felt better in my life
A Navidad is just a normal Dad that never has to ask for directions.
no matter how many years they’ve been practicing, a bagpipe player always sounds like they started learning that day
invited to a party: will there be food?
to a wedding: will there be food?
to the gym: will there be food?
to an orgy: will there be food?
to an intervention: will there be food?
to be a human trial subject for experimental brain surgery: will there be food?
*hands out cups of all purpose flour to marathon runners*
Twitter crush? Nah, that’s my X girlfriend.
commiting a crime and pretending to be a witness so i can get the police sketch artist to draw my oc for free
*checks kid’s backpack*
*finds papers from September and a liquefied banana*
*zips backpack and walks away*
Me: Go wake up your mother.
Son: No way man…no way.
Me: C’mon…please? You’re her offspring…she’s less likely to harm you.
New year new me, I say as I get a new me out of deep freeze and bury the old me in the woods
INTERVIEWER: Do you have any hidden talents?
ME: I taught myself how to play piano
INTERVIEWER: By ear?
ME: No, just with my hands
all year 14 has said he hasn’t had any homework or school projects so either we hit the jackpot or shit is about to get REALLY real
COWORKER: Thanks for your help on that project. You’re a peach!
ME: I am a peach! I’m round, I’m fuzzy, and according to my urologist, I have a HUGE stone inside me!
*duck waddles into bar
Duck: Bread
*bartender takes slice out of bag
D (angry): Just leave the loaf
Only during a hurricane can you purchase a tarp, rope, duct tape and a shovel and no one questioned your motives.
When someone’s shooting at you, always run in a zig zag pattern. It won’t increase your odds. But it will make everyone laugh.
I have 8 pens in my bag, cause you never know when an octopus will mosey along and need to sign things.
Me: what’s in these shots
Doctor: buddy I just work here
All liquor stores are open 24 hours. When you have a brick.
detective: [examining dead body] do we know who he is
me: yeah we got his name from his coffee cup
detective: what was it
me: starbucks