Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
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[In Bed]
Her: You feeling spicy tonight?
Me: Imma be honest. At best I’m a Honey BBQ on the Buffalo Wild Wings chart.
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: Remember what we had last night? Cream of that….
“Whaddya say we get together next Thursday and decide what to call these fruits hanging off these palm trees.”
“Ok. It’s a date.”
I’m just saying, if I was a divorce lawyer, I’d locate my firm directly across the street from an Ikea.
MAYOR: I now present you a key to the city
ME: So long, suckers!
*hops in city and drives away*
MAYOR: Come back! I need that for work!
{After Eclipse}
Kid: Now can I stare at the sun?
am i anxious? yes. but is that going to stop me from doing things i love? also yes
Just finished my taxes and it looks like I’ll be able to afford that vacation to the Outback…steakhouse that is.
*possum hospital
Nurse: Get the crash cart?!
Doctor: Give it a minute
Me: *lets a radio active spider bite me*
[hours later]
Me: * uncontrollably eating bugs* THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE DEAL
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Me: *lies down to sleep*
Brain: Remember that really embarrassing thing you did in 3rd grade.
A werewolf is chasing you and you are going to die but he’s wearing TOMS and you can’t stop laughing.
my kid was complaining she’s bored so I found her a tutorial on mining Bitcoin.
Me: coming to the office Xmas party?
Steve: no [whispers] Lisa just lost her father
Me: there’ll be like 50 of us there. We’ll help you look
I saw her biting her bottom lip so I threw her a cupcake. Poor girl must have been starving.
In case you wondered how much patience I have for questions today, I just told my 4-year-old the sky is blue because I said so.
I would watch a horse race if there were no horses. Just those little jockeys, in their splendid, colorful silk outfits and helmets and goggles running their little hearts out. I can picture it. It’s just too magical. Excuse me. I feel faint.
inside you are two wolves
*holds a grudge*
Grudge: PUT ME DOWN!
Broom by every window for quick escape.
My dog learned how to text
The internet is magic sometimes.
[FIRST DATE]
Her: I’m a vegan
Me: [*trying to impress her] People hate me too
[on phone with mom]
SHE SAID YES!!!!
“congrats, son”
I asked her if she thought I was weird
“Wait what?”
She thinks I’m weird. We broke up
I love greens, but not in a sexual way
Platonic salads, so to speak
All I do is answer emails all day. I don’t care whose emails. If I see an email, I answer it. No open computer is safe. My family is worried
Judge: How do you plead?
Me: Well, I can’t speak for the defendant—
J: Of course you can, you’re his attorney
M: Oh what fun! In that case, he’s clearly guilty as hell!
me: *getting murdered*
wait.. did you wash your hands?
Guys the harlem shake died almost 7 years ago so it should be reaching Facebook soon
when they’re all distracted let’s quickly fix the housing market
Me (trying to impress my date): I’ll have the garden fresh salad
Drive-thru: Dressing?
Me: Ummm, nope. Just sitting in my car