Poured Tresemmé on a spider in the shower & scooted him down the drain, he reemerged w/ voluminous hair & screamed at me in a French accent
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Most people think that T Rexes can’t clap because they have short arms, but really it’s because they’re dead…
*burglar alarm goes off*
me (turns to the robber asleep beside me): honey it’s time to get up and go to work
Whenever my teen cleans his room, I get a brand new set of dishes.
Look what the cat dragged in!
*freaks out remembering I don’t have a cat and house was built on top of a pet cemetery*
One thing I don’t miss about dining out at restaurants, is the immense pressure I feel when a server pours a little wine in a glass and waits for me to sniff, swirl and sip like I have any idea what the hell I’m actually doing.
Me: how was school?
Son: I cried today.
Me: oh that’s okay everyone cries.
Son: and I peed on my teacher.
Me: oh that’s okay buddy, I pee on people all the time.
Wife: stop.
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
lifeguard pulling me to shore: what
Girls storing chips in their bras…pfft amateurs. I’ve got spaghetti and half a taco from this afternoon in there
My husband’s solution to us running out of clean cups was to buy more cups. Because not having enough cups was the problem.
text from my dad when lebron broke the record
can’t imagine the number of vampires that have been run over since back up cameras on cars were invented.
3 eggs may not feed my family, but I found 2 boxes of cake mix and Mama ’bout to turn water into wine.
I posted happy birthday bunny to my husband on Instagram. I’ve never actually called him bunny, but I didn’t have my glasses on and it was early in the morning and I meant to say baby and anyway, he’s bunny now. Forever.
Me: *seeing a used condom on my lawn* This is disgusting!
Neighbor: OMG STOP TASTING IT
Some people like pineapple on pizza and some people like pizza on pineapple
*seductively corrects your posture*
♫ Hey there Delilah, this is dispatch please come quickly
There’s a robbery in progress
Suspect is white & in his 50s
And high on gluuue ♫
Went on a date once.
He ordered for me, “She’ll have a small side salad.”
I said, “Yes, and a side of sirloin and a loaded baked potato.”
“My name will live forever!” – Anonymous.
No more excuses…
…I’m canceling that gym membership.
My boyfriend is being so nice to me since I showed him how easy it was to remove blood from carpeting…
Just heard local reports of a stalker, which is funny because I watch everyone through their windows and none of them look suspicious
I’m not a fan of having things on my wrist but I’d definitely get the Apple iCarceration ankle monitor
Love spending a relaxing Sunday curled up with a good book as it sits next to me untouched while I scroll through twitter for three hours
Kid: Daddy can I give some of my candy to that duck?
Me: No, ducks only eat things they find in nature, like bread.
Had that dream again where I was the Pied Piper…but I was playing the saxophone and all the moms in the neighborhood were following me around.
me: i will have the chicken parmesan
waiter: actually the kitchen has run out of parmesan—i’m very sorry, sir
me: no parm, no fowl
[attending a lecture on kleptomania]
Me: *taking notes*
Keynote speaker: please give me back my notes
If I wanted to have a dry January, I would just look at a photo of my ex every morning.
I told my daughter we might be getting a blizzard and she asked for one with Reese’s pieces