Pouring a bucket of white marbles into the hippo pen will result in a lifetime ban from the zoo no matter how hungry they looked.
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Notice how women didn’t complain when they did an all-male version of Sex & The City called Entourage.
GENIE: u get 3 wishes!
ME: for my first wish, I want a never-ending bowl of guac
GENIE: guac, huh? Yeah, that’s gonna cost you an extra wish
Whenever I tinker with the idea of a having a relationship, I go spend a night with my married friends.
I pointed out to my wife that she left the front door unlocked last night, and she’s now providing me with a helpful chronological history of every stupid thing I’ve done.
HAN: Chewie what the hell are you doing
CHEWBACCA: *wearing a three piece suit* rawwrhh aarrhhr rweoorrar
HAN: why do you need a business loan
Ever look at your coworker and wonder “how are they still giving you a paycheck”?
Ahhh December 1st. Time to start using Santa as a threat.
Who called it a wolf in sheep’s clothing and not a woolf?
This hand cream is expired, but it tastes completely fine.
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
The state parks in NJ are opening today, but the bathrooms will be closed. I’m still staying home, too much anxiety worrying about where to go if I gotta take a shit.
Guy In France: yes may I please have an order of Here Fries
Fall Out Boy: she says she’s no good with words but I’m worse
Me: how so?
Fall Out Boy: restouaraunt
Me: ok you win
give me a pen that doesnt look like a flower before i kill myself, Sheryl.
“How about I throw in some IKEA furniture?” I say, to Sweden the deal.
Damn … History Channel 😀
#archaeohistories
He died in the bath trying to make a YouTube video entitled ‘Aqua-Toast’.
My grandpa purposefully takes his hearing aids out so he can’t hear my kids. I don’t blame him. I’m jealous of him.
Nice try, self check out lanes. There’s not even any mirrors.
Neighbour said, “Stop using our hot tub while we’re not home!” So I only use it at night while they’re sleeping.
*walks up to Harvard with an avocado* one law degree please
*at the confessional
Priest: .’..and do you repent? Do you plan to repeat these sins?’
Me: ‘You mean, like, ever?’
Had a med school friend who was super obnoxious about momming better than the rest of us because she made all her own baby food. But she used mainly carrots and sweet potatoes and ended up turning her baby Oompa Loompa orange.
It has been years and it never stops being funny.
Me: WHO DREW ON THE WALL?!
4-year-old:
2-year-old:
4-year-old:
2-year-old:
4-year-old: The dog.
When I would sit in the backseat of the car as a kid I used to imagine I was in a music video. Now when I sit in the backseat I imagine someone’s finally taking me to an asylum.
Don’t go to the library; go to the truthbrary!
What do you mean there’s no cash prize for being the first guy in the neighborhood to shovel his driveway?
Obama: Wave at the people, Joe.
Biden: IMMA POINT AT’EM
Obama: Please just wave.
Biden:
If you rarely drive on snow, just pretend you’re taking your grandma to church. There’s a platter of biscuits and 2 gallons of sweet tea in glass jars in the back seat. She’s wearing a new dress and holding a crock pot full of gravy.
I love in films like 300 where the main guy will say something like “get some sleep, for tomorrow we battle to death”, and everyone just goes into deep sleep, in some wet grass, fully clothed. I can’t get to sleep in a warm bed if I have a 10am conference call about content.