me: so you know when you lie on a resume and then you get the job and you’re just like, “I know how to do literally none of this”?
copilot: you’re leaning on the intercom.
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My mom is terrified of how fast I drive on the freeway, so I’m preparing a soothing little playlist for when she comes to visit in a few weeks
Men with salt and pepper hair and healthy self-care habits will do that thing you like*
*Remind you to drink water.
Life is too short beautiful and unpredictable to not tell people how you really feel
Her: That’s so sweet, I-
Green Day is overrated
Her:
Flirt with him. Drop down and pick up your asthma inhaler. Look back, readjust your glasses.
‘Ok i’ll bite’ is both my favourite catchphrase and also why my summer body will be a Homer Simpson body
If the work week didn’t already exist and someone pitched the idea of everyone working 5 out of every 7 days they’d get thrown in a volcano
I wish I had the confidence of someone publicly donning a cloak
*God invents corgis*
God: what ingredients do we have left
Angel: uh, a meatloaf and some pig feet
God: lol check this out
My car has the innate super power of knowing when I have any extra money and spontaneously breaking down.
At my age, you can spell Ibuprofen and Acetaminophen without googling it.
*buys a 3D printer*
*prints a 3D printer*
*returns 3D printer for a refund*
Stickiest things in the world:
3) Lollipops
2) Glue
1) Children’s library books
Me, whispering to myself: When it’s time to party, we will always party hard.
DOCTOR: You’ve suffered a brain injury. It’s affected your hippocampus
ME:What? Lol sorry I was picturing hippos at college. Who are u again
Lately I go to the restroom at the movies, but forget where I’m seated then return & just begin a new life in a new seat with a new family.
I don’t often find an occasion to work the word “repugnant” into casual conversation, but you’ve inspired me.
lobster: [snapping claws menacingly] FEEL MY WRATH, HUMAN
me: [holding 2 rubber bands]
lobster: ah shit
“You hear from my lawyer?”
“He says he’s working on it, Stan.”
“I’m really losing it, Johnny.”
“Just be patient. You need anything?”
“Acorns, they’re like currency in here.”
Do you ever eat an individual-sized bag of chips and wonder what kind of “individual” only eats seven chips?
HER: (touching my chest) What a fascinating tattoo…
ME: Thanks. I was carrying a squid and a porcupine, and I tripped.
6: I like your necklace
Me: Thank you
6: When you die me and my sisters get your jewelry, right
Me: Not if I disown you first
“Listen to your body.” Okay, my body wants to be fat and unemployed.
young jesus: mom where do babies come from
joseph: [pulls up a chair] yea mary, where DO babies come from?
Inflation has drastically altered what it means to say “I just ate $25 worth of Taco Bell”
The moderator on this ‘brainstorming’ conference call emphasized that there were “no dumb ideas,” a claim soundly disproven within the first few minutes of the discussion.
I can’t remember the ending of one single movie I’ve seen since they started selling booze in theaters.
Discovered 24 long forgotten beers in the basement refrigerator so I’m about to crack a cold case.
“We’ve got company.” Unwelcome news in a car chase. Scarcely better on your front porch.
Me: *turns on game
Wife: *turns on vacuum
Me: *turns volume to max
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Wife: *runs vacuum slowly in front of television
Imagine your card gets declined at Hogwarts and you have to go to public wizarding school