Why do people say “Cannonball” when jumping into a pool, but no one says “I’m jumping into a pool” when firing a cannonball #Interesting
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Being paranoid about your govt’s paranoia is a good sign.
As a fireman, I’m constantly asked questions like, “Can you please stop flexing & put out that fire?”
*wakes up in a cold sweat*
Ohhhh OVERALLS because you wear them over all your other clothes
*At restaurant trying to impress date*
Me: How are these prepared?
Waiter: The dinosaur chicken nuggets? In a microwave.
Me: Excellent.
Every time you see a snake’s shedded skin, it means it got bigger. Same with me and the 4 empty Oreo packages you find in my trash.
I’m thru spelling thru “through.”
Enough is enuf.
*a friend tells me their problems*
me: mhm, ok, have you tried eating about it?
Start hating people now, so you don’t have to buy them a Christmas present. Don’t wait until the last minute.
Lionel Richie: I’m easy like Sunday morning
Sunday morning: wow I’m right here
ON TWITTER FOR TEN MINUTES: aw sweet, there’s so many smart funny people here
ON TWITTER FOR AN HOUR: my life is now dedicated to vengeance on PatriotMike24396857
“I’ll have a rum and coke”
Is pepsi ok?
“Sure whatever”
*hands you a pepsi and coke*
My name is Leon but some of you know me by my street name, 9th avenue.
Biden: I took a Staples red button & wrote “Nukes” on it
Obama: Joe!
Biden: Tweets to him in Russian when pressed
When your body decides that was one meat lover’s pizza too many
I bet you’re all super stoked about election year coming up
My kid just called me by “hey you” and I saw all my other kids and the dogs turn and walk out of the room faster than they’ve ever walked before.
We have nothing to fear but fear itself, and spiders, and bears, and scientists, and scientists creating spider bears, and science bears
“Ok folks who ordered the macaroni & bees?”
“you mean cheese?”
[waiter struggling to keep bowl covered]
“that does make more sense actually”
Obi Wan: You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy.
Luke: Obviously you haven’t been to Black Friday at Walmart.
MUFASA: Everything the light touches is our kingdom.
ME: What about shadows or when it’s cloudy?
MUFASA: *Sigh* Wh…why are you like this?
Writing a personal ad. So far I have:
Has all own teeth
son: daddy, there’s a skeleton in my closet
me: don’t be ridiculous–it won’t be a skeleton for months
I finally got to my parents house after a 7 hour drive. It’s 1am. why is my sisters cat watching Pawn Stars?
I saw my therapist’s notes and instead of using my name he just refers to me as “the combatant”
her: the moon is so romantic tonight
me: how
the moon: [brushes hair behind my ear] hey
me: h-[blushing] hey
No one:
Me trying to remember the person’s name I just met as they’re still talking:
obsessed w/ the woman in line telling her life story. she hasn’t seen her daughter (annie) or grandkids in 3yrs bc they’re in australia. annie met her hubby in hawaii while surfing. she’s had trouble w/ the neighbors lately but that’s annie, she’ll find it wherever she goes
Se7en, but instead of deadly sins, the murders are based on different Smurfs.
I want Rebecca Black to make a music video for every day of the week!
Said by nobody.
Ever.