[pours a bag of sugar over a tire fire]
hmmm
[tastes remnants]
i think i’ll call it… Twizzlers
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hamburger doesn’t need your help.
My friend is really bad at multitasking. Sometimes I’ll be on the phone with him and he’ll say “I’m going into an elevator” and hang up
my ex has had a really hard time moving on. from what i can tell through his blinds, he is currently eating (something we always did)
The year is 2020. Hip hop has fully merged with dubstep, creating the genre of music known as Dubhop. All hope for mankind is lost
ME: Sorry I’m late, I had computer problems.
BOSS: Hard drive?
ME: Nah, there was no traffic, just the computer problems.
Me: Speak. C’mon, boy, speak.
Dog: No, I’m mad at you.
{Prison Diary Day 7}
Nobody is respecting the Swear Jar
Things I’m leaving in 2021:
Telling my kids to brush their teeth. Have fun with cavities you dummies.
Hiding my snacks from kids. No you can’t have any. Get a job and buy your own.
Waiting until 5pm to drink wine. 9am rosé pairs well with another lockdown and virtual learning.
[gym]
me: please wipe that down when you’re done
guy at urinal: what
(Date)
ME: Watch this *ties cherry stem with tongue*
HER: *giggles*
1-UP WALLY: *places Rubik’s cube in mouth and pulls it out solved*
I’ve made it to 10am without eating my lunch what more do you want from me
“super-crunchy” is now a peanut butter you can buy at the store. the new innovation is we stopped making the crunchy peanut butter early
I’m sorry I said your head looks too small to power your body.
The Bible would be more believable if Adam was tempted by a slice of pizza instead.
5: I’ve only got one shoe
Me: you need to find the other one
5: I found it!
Me: that was quick, where was it
5: on my foot!
Me: that’s the one you already had on
5: oh
Why isn’t there a roomba that cuts grass? Probably some stupid law about sending a blade wielding robot out into the neighborhood.
son: *holding acorn* what’s this?
me: a tree
son: really?
me: in a nutshell, yeah
Assassin implies the existence of Assassout and frankly I’m all for it
If I can only taste 999 islands I’m sending this dressing back.
what if “chicken patty” is just short for “chicken patricia”
Struck by her beauty, Issac Newton leans in for a kiss. He receives an equal, but opposite, reaction.
My husband and I both have colds but only his is really really bad.
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [scanning menu] what page are u on
Pass gas, not judgment.
[bank robbery]
Me: this is a hold up
[later at the police station]
Cop: wait, so you weren’t one of the robbers?
Me: [just likes to say what things are] this is a police station
Gas prices are so high I’m riding my Roomba to work
Sitting next to a priest on my flight. I sneeze. I’m waiting for him to say “Bless you.” Nothing. I guess it’s his day off?
Mom Octopus: *opens bedroom door* What’s up?
Son Octopus: *slams laptop* Nothing!
Mom Octopus: YOU BETTER NOT BE LOOKING AT PRAWN AGAIN
I couldn’t find a bowl so Flora is drinking from a margarita glass
My yoga teacher was sent to prison for fraud.
He did a 3 year stretch.