My husband gives people the thumbs down instead of flicking them off from the car. He reports that the thumbs down makes people even more mad.
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Cop: you get one phone call
me: [dials 911] help
🙂🙃🥹
Lmao
Teacher: ok class bring your dioramas to the front of the class
Me: [holding a bowl of diahorrea] oh no…
listen *drags cigarette* you don’t wanna tweet, kid *exhales* we already did all the jokes
I am going to miss shaking hands after sex.
[During a baby shower]
Me: Ooh I caught one
Wife: Put it down we can’t afford another
Just congratulated my ex on dating someone so young that her Throwback Thursday photos are just pictures of her pregnant mom. I’m a dream.
Auto correct is my worst enema.
me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son
wife: of course not, where is he
me: I just told you
I keep seeing studies finding fecal matter on things. Anyone considered that perhaps it’s the scientists that aren’t washing their hands?
Peanut Butter CEO: it’s taking too long to mix it, leave it lumpy
Me: umm
CEO: call it crunchy
Me: oh ok then we charge less
CEO: hahaha no
*Ancient Egypt*
Me: My abacus won’t work
IT: Hit giant eye + guy holding snakes + big ass bird
Me: Nothing
IT: Okay, reset *shuffles abacus*
They really taught us calculus and then left us to fend for ourselves when it comes to taxes and putting the duvet cover back on
A couch nap with a little kid on your stomach is the best sleep you can ever have. It’s like a weighted blanket whose college you gotta pay for.
Calling bullshit on news that the Amazon is burning. I just got a package delivered from them today
ME: Gosh it’s murderously hot today.
CLIMATE: *under breath* Shit they’re onto me.
Have single guys scared of the “Friend Zone” even heard of long-term relationships or marriage?
*My parents at my birth*
Mom: she’s beautiful
Dad: she’s perfect.
Precognitive doctor: One day she will have a “top three” monkey gifs.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a guy, on the side of the highway reciting the alphabet backwards and trying to walk a straight line.
Please help me bring my daughter and her boyfriend home safe!
Natalie Anderson and Enmanuel Rodriguez have been missing since 6pm Monday evening. This is the last time I spoke to them. They took their dog, Sky camping and planned to return on Wednesday. When we spoke they’d
Ever woken up, kissed the person sleeping next to you and felt glad to be alive? I just did, so I won’t be catching this train again.
International Dairy Council: Nobody saw this coming. We don’t know if our markets can recover from this but the only thing we can do now is pray.
[meanwhile, at Olive Garden]
Server: Sir, please
Me: I didn’t say when yet
Brain: What day of the week did the 1st calendar day ever fall on? Do the math!
Me: Seriously?! It’s 2AM and I’m leading a meeting tomorrow
Hey guy in your car behind me, Your honking isn’t going to make me type any faster.
A walk in the woods helps me relax and release tension.
The fact that I’m dragging a body behind me should be irrelevant
FedEx would be a cool name for a restaurant for divorced couples
In the original fairy tale Goldilocks also reads all their diaries.