Mother Goose: I need some ideas for my nursery rhymes.
Me: a young boy and girl fall down a hill and the boy suffers a head injury.
Mother Goose: what? these are for children
Me:
Mother Goose:
Me: an egg falls off a wall and dies.
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I once stayed at an Airbnb where the bathroom had a jacuzzi, a heated floor and warmed towels. I prefer hotels now, because I don’t have to be forcibly removed from them.
Is the Paleo diet the one where you only eat dinosaurs?
me: can we discuss my crippling fear of elephants?
therapist: i’m all ears
me: *screaming*
The next person to take my tweets seriously is getting $500
*brings a rubber band to a lobster fight*
6 more days, guys.. That’s December 26. The day everybody puts their shitty Xmas gifts on Ebay so poor people, like me, can buy them!
The Mastodon crowd doesn’t care for me much. Pretty sure it’s my cologne.
Bake a cake with rum and no one bats an eye… Bake brownies with laxatives and everybody loses their shit!
So, it turns out “hey, check out this rash” isn’t a great pick-up line.
I’m not smart enough to have this many people dumber than me.
Yelling “wooooo” when the singer says the name of your town is what separates us from the animals.
It turns out the only way to get my kids to flush the toilet is for me to be showering when they use it.
I hate when people do that thing in traffic that I also do.
Nothing but love for the older woman who saw her husband staring at two people screaming at each other in the grocery store parking lot, said “mind your business, Morty,” before looking at me, thirty feet away, and saying, “you too.”
Answers phone breathlessly
Friend: Sorry!! Didn’t know you had company
Me: I was washing floors
F: Oh…is that the new code?
Me: No…
I’m not superstitious, I’m just kindastitious!!!
Immediately de-escalating an international conflict by posting an angry looking selfie with the caption “Come on, guys.”
Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage & get how it works?
Me(imagines bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes
As a child, I thought that more recipes would call for Eyes Of Newt…
Being a woman has its benefits and unique skills, like being able to fix whatever’s wrong with the car by turning the radio up real loud.
Sure reading a book under a tree is peaceful but imagine how stressful it is for the tree to see a bunch of it’s dead friends in your hand.
The human body can survive three weeks without food, three days without water but only three hours without wifi.
Spelling matters. My husband texted me that we’re very low on time.
Thyme. He meant thyme.
(my first day as a transformer)
optimus prime: Transformers, roll out!
Me:*transforms into hotdog cart* CAN I GET A PUSH HERE
Stranger: ma’am do you need medical assistance?
Me: IT’S BEEN A WHILE SINCE I WORE HEELS OK?
ME: I thought only old people got that
DOCTOR:
ME:
DOCTOR:
ME: Oh…
Judge: How do you plead?
Me, trying to get on LegalZoom .com: sorry what’s the wifi password here?
ME: [first day as an NFL head coach] What position do you play no. 26
HIM: I’m a running back.
ME: LOL, ok Mario, in my team we run forward.
I’m glad that when you shoot, you shoot to kill … because shooting to merely wound seems kinda mean.