*pours a shaker of salt into the ocean*
You’re free now
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me: *trying to quickly and quietly go to the bathroom at 3am so I stay asleep
my dog: Oh cool, you’re up. What should we do now? Play with a ball? Go for a walk? Breakfast? Do you want to scratch me?
Man: I’d like an order of buffalo wings
Bartender: sorry, we don’t serve food here
*a sandwich that just walked in flips a table and leaves*
Bad: I saw my girlfriend’s name and number on a couple of men’s bathroom walls..
Worse: It was in her handwriting…
Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?
*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*
Me: Sure let’s go with that.
So creative 😂
Today I lost a push-ups competition to my 4 year-old son. He did 2 push-ups and its not important how many i could or couldn’t do because its all about having fun and him helping me off the ground
Airlines trust I can operate an emergency door and usher hundreds of passengers to safety but think I need step by step instructions on buckling a seatbelt.
I just signed up for a gym membership and sprained my wrist
whenever i see babies crying in movies, i feel so bad. but then i remember it’s just pretend. they’re acting. they’re professionals. they know what they’re doing
If you want your uninvited guests to leave, seat them comfortably in the basement, then go upstairs and watch TV.
I hope that when everyone returns to my office they appreciate the pole I installed in the conference room. I can’t wait to show them the routine I’ve worked so hard on
I’ve had so much cough medicine and this has me in tears
So You Think You Can Peel A Kiwi
*swims up to girl in pool* so do you.. actually this is quite deep jesus *just disappears*
Therapist: Tell me something exciting that happened this week
Me: McDonald’s has a new breakfast sandwich
Therapist:
Me: It has two sausage patties and bacon
Therapist:
Me: Also two slices of cheese, I think
Therapist:
Me: Why do you look so sad
sometimes I worry that my diseases are saving up to move to a better person in a more desirable location
caveman: I’ve invented the wheel!
hamster: finally!!!
Life is what happens when you’re busy choosing a filter for what already happened in life.
police cars should play ice cream truck music when they’re pulling you over for something minor
wife: What happened to you?
me *limping* I took a nap
[first day as Niagara Falls tour guide]
And to the left you can see [frantically flips through your guide] water.
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
Do other animals have signature tranquilizers, or are horses just especially stressed out?
“Oh Shit, Was That Today?” an autobiography
Nothing strikes fear in the heart of a parent like finding a container of glitter sitting on a table…with the cap off
you could post a photo of a celebrity like “she looked so cool in the 90s” and some freak will quote tweet it like “Yeah, she looked so cool in the outfit she wore to go run over 15 people with her car on June 4th, 1993.” and it’s like i’m sorry why would i know about that
I wanna rock and roll for 20 minutes tops and party for as long as it takes to seem normal before leaving without saying goodbye to anyone
Sure, tell me about the dream you had. It will give me a chance to count my teeth with my tongue.
Good News: You mean the world to me.
Bad News: The world is pretty lousy right now.
oh cool this article looks like a neat re-“JOIN OUR NEWSLETTER TO NEVER MISS OUT ON THE BEST NEWS EVER BUT FIRST DISABLE YOUR ADBLOCKER ALSO CAN WE HAVE YOUR PHONE NU-“