*pours a shaker of salt into the ocean*
You’re free now
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I’m trying to become a vegetarian so from now I’m only eating seafood.
Like lobster, prawns and drowned cows.
” Why of course I would like to stop in the middle of this huge task I’m doing to look at pictures of everyone in your huge family opening christmas presents colleague that I barely know”
As a kid I only had the box of 8, but now that I’m an adult I can afford to eat an entire 64-count box of crayons.
Just another unrealistic body expectation for women
Spells out “Can you clean the toilet” in candy hearts on the bed.
Just spoke to my wife whiIe twitter was down. She seems nice. She’s a nurse apparently
My wife’s upset at me I’m going to cheer her up and ask 9YO to play hot cross buns on the recorder
this guy with binoculars has been watching me watch him with binoculars and i don’t know who’s winning
(Creating the platypus)
God: Make that beaver think a duck is sexy and then they, *hip thrusts*
Angel: What?
God: You know *hip thrusts*
1st Kid: spends 6 weeks sewing perfect costume
2nd Kid: *cuts holes in an old NKOTB beach towel* just say you’re an 80’s ghost or some shit
Breaking up
(be mature, be mature, be mature)
Me: (eating chips) you can’t use the carpool lane anymore.
When do I get to find my nice Canadian girl to settle down with and have flannel babies?
Inventing croutons:
What if rocks were bread
Me- Tonight’s menu consists of savory wild fowl and a side of greens a la creme de mushrooms complete with a robust sprinkling of onions
14- So Turkey and green bean casserole again?
Canada is the 6th most peaceful country in the world in 2018. Canadians wondering who we gotta fight to get closer to #1.
me: *throwing a fudgie the whale cake into the ocean* HAPPY BIRTHDAY EARTH
Her: I can’t believe you’re leaving me. Is there someone else?
Me: I’ve told you, Brenda, I just really need to focus on my karate right now.
Her: But you’re 57 and a green belt.
Me: Exactly.
Do you know beforehand your dog is a cadaver dog, or do your first several walks always happen to end with finding a body?
I try not to be loud in the office restroom stall unless my boss is in the restroom, because then I want to prove I’m not just goofing off.
[at the mall with my husband]
Me singing softly: She’s just a girl and she’s on fire..
Hubby: *shoots dirty look*
Me, ignoring: Ohhhh, she’s got her head in the clouds and-
Hubby: Shhh!
Me: THIS GIRL IS ON FIRE!! FIIIYAHHHH
[weapons store]
ME: *holding up a spare pin* Has anybody seen my grenade?
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my bowl of breakfast chili.
The difference between a motel and a hotel is about $200.
If somebody my age is out past 11 PM they just got off the second shift at work.
Mother Goose: I need some ideas for my nursery rhymes.
Me: a young boy and girl fall down a hill and the boy suffers a head injury.
Mother Goose: what? these are for children
Me:
Mother Goose:
Me: an egg falls off a wall and dies.
Hot woman *points at my empty glass* hey, want another?
Me: Why would I want another empty glass?
[later]
Me *stops brushing teeth* hang on
recruiter: u should join the army
octopus: buddy I’m army enough as it is
Do the people who set the paper towel dispensers to only dispense 2 inches at a time not know that I’m gonna take like 27 of those things?
REPORTER: still feel it was a good idea to spend all $80 million of your lottery winnings on this?
ME: [using my 28 surgically added hands to pet 30 dogs at once] yes
[a 31st dog walks by]
ME: oh no
“We’re all in this together” used to sound comforting — until I realized it means I’m relying on a lot of stupid Americans to stay alive.