[watching as my wife throws out a box of miscellaneous cords] no! my legacy
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Being from the Midwest means my signature potluck dish will contain a tub of mayonnaise, a jar of jelly, and a block of Velveeta.
And it will be called something like “Sexy Salad” to let you know I do not actually understand what sex or salad is.
Not sure if my pedicure tech asked, “you need chrome on your toes?” or “unicorn on your toes?” so I just nodded while trying to decipher it in my head, and now it’s too late. I’d be so easy to kidnap.
“I’m so stoked!”
-An excited fireplace
Stop asking me for advice if you’re gonna get upset when I suggest commit a crime
Assert dominance and avoid the family gatherings this week by getting them all restraining orders for Christmas
A warehouse is just a regular house that was bitten by a wolf under the full moon.
I just took a shower…
You have no idea how hard it was to sneak that thing out of Home Depot.
Baby ducks are “ducklings”, baby pigs are “piglets”, and baby humans are “annoying.”
If you’re not supposed to abuse cough syrup then why does it come with a little plastic shot glass?
Nothing says “I’m stubborn” like owning a BlackBerry in 2013.
Our middle child says we neglect him/her.
My daughter keeps exclaiming, “What in tarnation?” when something surprises her. It’s cute but a little like living with a 3rd Grade Yosemite Sam.
If your friend says they can’t swim, don’t make them go in the water because they might be hiding the fact that they’re a robot and you don’t want them to know that you know.
“Read ’em and weep” I say as I lay down my hand: a collection of my grandparent’s handwritten love letters from WWII.
Saying “sounds good” is probably the nicest way to abruptly end a conversation.
[Origins…]
BRUCE WAYNE: Did you make all the “Badman” equipment like I told you…the Badmobile, the Badcopter etc?
ALFRED: Yeah…wait, what?
The answer, my friend, is actually blowing in the wind plus 23.
The best thing about humans is that many of the richest and most prosperous among us collect bottles of rotten grape juice.
10 year old me preparing to tell my mom at 9pm I need glue and construction paper for my project due tomorrow.
Chad Kroeger from Nickelback loves taking part in nativity plays. He has played Joseph, the Inn Keeper and even the back end of a donkey.
But he’s never made it as a wise man.
[inventor of the piano]
Tables aren’t noisy enough.
unless you’re dead wearing a sheet you got no business ghosting ppl.
(Ad for a baby)
• gently used
• can’t even kill you
• doesn’t shed
• poops on a learning curve
• goes from 0-60 in roughly 60 years
“two heads are better than one” – guy who collects heads
relationship status:
[ ] single
[ ] taken
[X] waiting for the spaceship to return
Girl, are you an umbrella? Because you’re never with me when I need you & I’ve forgotten you at a restaurant 4 or 5 times.
I just met my daughter’s friend’s mom for the first time and she introduced herself by saying, “Hi, I’m Olivia’s mom, you’ve probably heard me yelling in the background of their Zoom calls.”
Director: one of you actors tampered with my DNA last night!
Tom Cruise: not me, I went cruising
Elizabeth Banks: I was at the bank.
Gene Hackman: *drops test tube in surprise*
Just got hospitalized due to a peekaboo
accident.They put me in the ICU.
Can’t believe no one told me that cows can’t walk down stairs. Now I’m stuck with all these attic cows.