Dad: “So what are you going to do after you graduate?”
Me: “well, mom said we’ll probably go out somewhere to eat”
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“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”
I feel it says all u need to know about me
“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”
Yes
RACCOON: I’m being burglarized
911: can u describe him
RACCOON: he’s wearing a mask
911: maybe he’s your
RACCOON: nevermind, it’s my husband
I only hug people to practice in case I need a human shield.
Ive just finished writing my first ever childrens novel. It’s called ‘We’re poor because of you’.
if you’re not sniffing random panties at the laundromat then why are you even there
My turd eating dog just spit out something I cooked if anyone wants to come to dinner.
‘Leave no stone unturned’ is good advice if you’re looking for something that crawls out from under rocks.
Kids are hard to predict; and living in 2021 with two young kids who sing along to “Who Let the Dogs Out” was not what I expected.
My friend just told me that he can print a gun using a 3D printer, but I’m not impressed. I’ve had a Canon printer for years.
me: I’m becoming very forgetful lately
doctor: can you give me an example
me: of what
*takes a drag off a Lucky Strike*
me: I was one hell of an athlete back in the day.
young person: Oh yeah? What did you play?
me: Darts.
Mistletoe is my favorite Christmas tradition that sounds like a cool as shit superpower.
I lick all the grapes at the grocery store. It’s romantic. Some stranger is going home with my kisses on their grapes.
I asked what I could bring for Thanksgiving this year and my mom said it was up to me so I’m bringing a wireless router.
The Pope quit. Meteor in Russia. Snowing in Arizona. Star Wars and Star Trek have the same director. Who the hell is playing Jumanji?
Oh sure, a guy spends 3 days in complete isolation and when he comes out, they call him “messiah”, but when I do it, they call it “job abandonment”.
He died doing what he loved: meeting people on Craigslist to buy furniture.
People who say “teamwork makes the dream work” are the reason that some people want to punch other people in the face.
When a southern mom tells you that you look like a little doll baby you might hope she means Barbie but she definitely means Cabbage Patch
Ok, time to dust off the Christmas decorations. One year I must try taking them down.
My kid: My mom drinks all day. She keeps filling up her special cup so she can drink all day. Sometimes she even puts this special powder in her drink too.
Me: IT’S WATER. I DRINK WATER ALL DAY WITH LEMONADE POWDER BECAUSE THE CITRIC ACID KEEPS MY KIDNEY STONES AWAY FFS!!
Attention children:
Mom is closed.
“What movie?” 🤔
I’m really proud of myself for getting the daily requirement of produce stickers in my diet today.
High definition is like regular definition but it’s slightly paranoid and working on its second bag of Doritos.
Robert, you forgot to shut the window. That baby flew in, again
My answer to the question “where would you most like to work?” is the same as to the question “what’s your favourite dog?” Chocolate lab.
Mom: Everyone has to learn to swim
Kid: Even Jesus?
Mom: Of course
Jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* Lying’s a sin, Brenda
Me: Keep absolutely still. His vision is based on movement
Vampire: That’s a T-Rex, idiot
what if everything’s a hellscape because Adele got happy and needed material