[Pours goldfish into aquarium]
You’re free now“Mom? You know those are just crackers, right?”
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*getting a deli sandwich*
person making sandwich: only 1 piece of cheese?
me: yes
person: u can have 3 pieces of cheese for the same price
me: that’s ok I’m good
person: it’s FREE cheese tho
me: I don’t want that much cheese
person: *yelling* ITS FREE CHEESE
Friend: Sorry I’ve been so busy! I got my master’s in genetic engineering, singlehandedly solved a murder, invented time travel, discovered a new Pi number, climbed Mt. Everest and taught myself to read Sumerian. What have you been up to???
Me: I’ve been super into cereal lately
[ IDEA ]
An alarm clock where Samuel Jackson just keeps yelling at you until you get up
Moved the bed for the first time in years and found 47 hair ties, a toy steak, and the lost city of atlantis
My favorite part of cleaning, cooking, laundry, school lines, sports practices, games, sleep regression and back and forth to appointments with my kids is when someone says how lucky I am not to work
Having to redownload the HBO app on four devices was the worst thing to happen to me since COVID.
My brother & I’ve competed for title of family black sheep for yrs.
He checked in at a strip-club…on FB.Well played brother, well played
I don’t have friends with ugly babies mostly because I believe in honesty
you couldn’t be more wrong, i on the other hand could be far more wrong due to my incredibly vast stupidity
Causes of childhood anxiety:
4% Bullying
9% Inability to puncture a Capri Sun pouch
87% Musical Chairs
To anyone who thinks they have it harder than me: There is a person in my life who, every time I text them, CALLS ME BACK.
What if Canada is just like 100 dudes faking a country like that scene in Home Alone where Kevin fakes the party?
I put my shoes on like everyone else. I beckon for my footman, Chauncey, and he does it straightaway. Your guy probably has a different name
Um, doctor? This degree on your wall is from Whatsamatta U. I don’t think that’s a…
Doctor: *looking at x-rays* MY GOD! YOU HAVE NO SKIN!
[Dinner with GFs parents]
*Does shadow puppet of a bird*
“Thats great but I asked what you do for a living?”
Um *smooths tie* I’m unemployed
My mother’s birthday is on Monday.
I bought, among other things, a tin of her favourite shortbread cookies.
They were very good.
I should get some for her as well.
“I’m gonna find whoever stole the wheels off my car”, I said tirelessly
That moment when your ID badge doesn’t work & you wonder:
Did I get fired?
Can I go back to bed now?
Will my 401k sustain my food addiction?
Bought two shirts at Kohl’s and according to their calculations I saved $2,750.
Who called it a hot dog rolling grill and not a roller toaster
To the thief who stole my antidepressants, I hope you’re happy now.
dad: snapping a pic of your grandma in her coffin is weird
me: it’s socially acceptable these days
dad: just hurry up so we can put her back in the ground
One minute you’re 18 years old and in the mosh pit at a Black Sabbath concert and the next you’re ordering compression socks off of Amazon.
my wife wants to take the kids out which would be great except she wants me to go too
When she’s rage-cleaning the house, I help out by waiting until she starts to lose momentum before asking her what’s for dinner.
INVENTOR OF GLUE: I bet if we melt that horse we could use it to stick stuff to other stuff.
TIM: Dude…is everything okay at home?
Your personality finally matches your looks. That’s not a compliment.
“You’re attachment is too large,” my computer tells me.
I blush. “My eyes are up here,” I respond coyly.
5 years ago when ‘House of Cards’ started we said, ‘That’s so scary.’ Now Trump is here and we’re like, ‘hahaha, House of Cards is adorable’
I bought my friend a fridge for their birthday. You should’ve seen their face light up when they opened it.