*pours wine*
*sprinkles rose petals*
*dims lights*
*puts on Barry White*
*lights candles*
*burns incense*
*arranges scented oils*
*opens private tab in browser*
You Might Also Like
Baa!
“My name is–”
Moo!
“My name is–”
Neigh!
“My name is *chickenchicken* Slim Shady.”-Eminem at a farm.
GENIE: You can’t wish anybody would fall in love with you.
ME: What if everybody just disliked me less?
GENIE: Sure.
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE: Okay technically I should be able to do this but it’s not working.
Telling someone they can’t be sad because others have it worse is like telling someone they can’t be happy because others have it better.
won’t smith
actually this email could’ve been a meeting. we could’ve spent an hour on the clock talking shit and gossiping. someone could’ve brought bagels
*watching James Blunt mouth “not you” to me after singing You’re Beautiful in concert*
how much does a mortician urn in a year
Me: If you can’t wear white after Labor Day why do people dress up as ghosts for Halloween?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
Things more likely to kill you than Ebola:
– choking on a wheat thin
– erotic asphyxiation
– falling off the toilet
– a duck with a gun
Today is the three year anniversary of the time I dropped a hot dog and it got stepped on before I could retrieve it. Don’t talk to me about your suffering
KITTEN: *flailing wildly*
MAMA CAT: hey would you knock it off
KITTEN: *slaps tv remote onto the floor*
MAMA CAT: excellent
Regrettable life choices: not learning how to syphon gas
wife: we should get a pet
me: *nodding* a wolf
wife: are you insane? those are dangerous
me: a large dog
wife: ok thats a good compromis-
me: that hates the moon
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 muscles to frown, then how can I tell if this girl is flirting with me and not just being lazy?
If you speak like Fat Albert throughout the entire exam, doctors will prescribe whatever you want.
a bat optometrist making me yell down a hallway
the warning on my razor says “for external use only” and now I have questions
Olive Garden. Where the prices are high, but the expectations are low…
No one will even notice your holiday weight gain if you start carrying pie everywhere you go.
My daughter keeps saying there’s no such thing as a mistake in the kitchen, which is just so adorably wrong.
If you lie down on the floor in McDonald’s you get to meet the manager
Based on the amount of animal hair, clinging to your t-shirt, I’m going to pass on your homemade cookies, thank you.
me: [thinking] I don’t want kids
my mom: [2000 miles away gets a mental notification and texts me] how could you do this to me?
I cried when my dentist told me I needed two implants and a crown because I can finally realize my dream of being a sexy princess.
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
Meet me at the paint pan so our rollers can rub together.
[after Humpty Dumpty’s great fall]
King’s Men: all the King’s men are here
Humpty Dumpty: and a doctor, right?
King’s Men: also, all the King’s horses
Humpty Dumpty: AND A DOCTOR?? RIGHT???
Try my 6 ways to be a millionaire by 40. They wont work, but try them.