*Power goes out*
Wife: I can’t see!*Shoes light up*
Me: Ha! Whose shoes were “a waste of money” & “clearly meant for a large child” now?!
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I just love that new Pope smell.
I think I’ll stand
when it’s time for me to follow thru with plans I agreed to
I asked my niece if she had a newspaper.
She told me newspapers are old school.
She said everyone uses tablets nowadays and handed me her iPad.
That fly never stood a chance.
where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
Being paranoid about your govt’s paranoia is a good sign.
If someone sits too close to me on a bench, I stare straight ahead and say “Did you bring the money?”
Loving thy neighbour was easier before leaf blowers.
Me: Cooks meals, does laundry, picks my kid’s toys that he has allegedly already put away
Me asks *my kid to do his home work*
My kid: why do I have to do everything around here?
How’m I going to 80’s montage myself out of this one?
Take your ex out tonight (one bullet oughtta do it)
[running into my ex while shopping]
Me, under my breath: smooth peanut butter, smh. dodged a bullet there.
Her, to the dolls riding in my cart: hello Cynthia. Anne.
Me: *buying a pair of socks and a pack of gum*
Kohl’s cashier: You saved $439 today.
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get into and then out of the shower.
This guy is heading back in to town. His wife has been sick for months, and his recent indiscretions weigh heavily on his mind. He eyes the oncoming cement truck, and feels a pull. He could leave this all behind with one turn of the-
Son: I don’t want to play hot wheels anymore
When someone’s ignoring me I like to break into their house at night and steal all their shoes.
We’ll see how busy you are tomorrow.
Me: I said you can’t eat candy.
4-year-old: I’m not eating it.
Me: I see it in your mouth.
4: I’m just storing it in my cheeks for later.
[at the opera]
Me: what’s wrong with that guy
Wife: shh!
Me: but he’s tiny, he can barely hold that violin
Wife [whispers]: that’s a cello
“Ooooh the Zodiac Killer, so scary. Are you going to kill me with astrology whoa that’s a big knife.”
If you say “guess who died?” with a big smile on your face some people get kinda angry.
It’s so disorienting to eat a shrimp and gain it’s memories
“NEVER MIND, WE GOT ONE.”
What do we want?
“A TIME MACHINE.”
When do we want it?
Who called it a wedding licence and not marry-time law
I almost confused a laxative and Ibuprofen and that would have changed my plans for the evening significantly
valentines day should involve piñatas so single people can vent and still get candy lmao
Cop: You’re driving on the wrong side of the road.
Driver: Sorry, I’m English.
Cop: (shouting) It’s the wrong soid of the roade ye was droivin down, innit?
Just saw my husband’s glasses on the side of a milk carton.
Can you imagine liking anyone well enough to go into pairs figure skating?
Now that I am a parent I am confident that the reason my parents had to “check my Halloween candy” was NOT because of razor blades and drugs.
I just cross-bred a crocodile and a homing pigeon. I expect that’ll come back to bite me.