*power goes out*
wife: Great, I just bought ice cream
me [already eating it] I’m on it
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Sorry just got your text. Do you still need to go to the hospital?
A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster
Not to brag but I don’t even need meditation, my mind goes blank the second someone asks me for directions.
If you wear oversized sweats to the grocery store, and an attractive man smiles at you, is it a flirty smile or a pity smile?
If your husband didn’t just take down an old shower curtain, wear it as a cape, then run around yelling “I am Captain Mildew!” then you are not me.
*panicking* 3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3
I think I’m having a stroke
An app..
An app that reminds you, no matter how ugly you are.. someone far far away wants to bang you.
-Twitters new slogan
Don’t fall in love with your therapist they are crazier than you are.
Kids who were good at lying grew up to be meteorologists
My credit card was confiscated three days ago.
Jeff bezos just called to make sure I was okay.
Nobody runs faster than a 4 year old holding your iPhone.
Plot twist: maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnut.
[the middle of showering] I need a break
*feeding 2 stray dogs spaghetti*
WTF KISS ALREADY
Him: Wanna see my prison tats?
Her: Ooh ok I like bad boys
Him: This one *lifts shirt* is of Alcatraz. It was built in 1934 and closed in
I am yelling
HER: *spitting out food* This is GROSS! What did you put in this?
ME: Old Spice. Just like you said to.
HER: I said ALL spice, you idiot!
My kids are yelling and fighting, again.
I really should have Adopted a Highway instead.
being a writer on Twitter:
Do you think I can get a new ringtone on this ankle monitor?
[Airport security supervillain screening]
AGENT: Spell ‘haha’
ME: OK, ‘M’,–
AGENT: ur under arrest
“How does Dracula get his hair so perfect without a mirror? Oh questions about the job? No I’m good.”
interviewer: you remind me of that idiot we fired
me: *adjusting my mustache* maybe he was just misunderstood
“Sensitive” guys who only retweet chicks, you’re not fooling anyone.
CO-WORKER: Ten minutes until quitting time!
ME: Wow, you’re resigning too?
Batman: Why so down?
Aquaman: People think I’m not a real superhero. I’m tired of being walked all over.
*[Jesus enters]
Aquaman: Dammit!
When someone backs into your dad’s car in the same spot you nailed it with a basketball earlier, and now you don’t have to tell him about the the basketball, that’s a coincidents
[First Date]
Her: Sorry, but your profile pic was misleading.
Oatmeal Raisin Cookie: I never *said* this was chocolate. You just *assumed*
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind