*power goes out*
wife: Great, I just bought ice cream
me [already eating it] I’m on it
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Saw a goth teenager walking a hyperactive chihuahua and if they can be friends, anyone can.
Mom: “Don’t wind the dog up”
Me:
I’m sorry, I refuse to call it Xmas, I’m going to keep calling it Twittermas like before.
*seductively boils hot dog* *suggestively unscrews ketchup bottle* *alluringly toasts bun* *erotically describes this in between asterisks*
This Halloween, I’m going as the one thing more unsettling than a serial killer: someone interested in serial killers
What do I want to do to your body? I don’t know. Identify it, I guess.
[helping son with math]
Me: Problem one…(reading)…ok…(reads #2)…(reads #3)…(keeps reading)…ask your teacher for help tomorrow
-Me: [Turns off the light, finally gets to sleep]
– Brain: Wait. Who the hell closes the bus door when the driver’s out?
Virgo: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
Q: Which US President has the most trouble keeping his eyes open?
A: Abe Blinkin’
Come on down to Professor Cookie’s Very Good Joke Store where you can find very good jokes like this one.
[work call]
Me: this is Erin
Caller: hey hun how ya doin this is Frank Ravioli I was referred to you by David
Me: (assuming this is an elaborate hoax by my best friend) oh sure Frankie Rav how may I help you
Caller:
Me:
Caller: David from (one of my best clients)
Me: oh no
I always carry a PEBBLE with me to throw at people who sing Christmas songs in November…
I call it my jingle bell rock.
Me [being murdered in my home]:
“Can you take your shoes off?”
WANTED: Call center workers with very weak english, poor communication skills and short temper needed for major bank. Bonus paid for low IQ.
on my monopoly game the community chest cards say shit like: THE REALTOR SHOWING THE HOUSE ACROSS THE STREET GIVES YOU $50 TO CLOSE YOUR GARAGE DOOR
I wonder if Captain America ever borrows money from Captain China.
People who get in loud cell phone arguments in public, everyone secretly loves you.
Nothing will convince you to never have kids quite like having one.
how do you get over the heartache of an ex whose cat ur never gonna see again?
Today is the first New Moon after Jan 21sr. Happy New Year to Chinese people and all who choose to be Chinese for a day.
Twitter was down earlier. I tried telling jokes on Grindr but it wasn’t as satisfying
[pulling my wife out of the sewer]
her: this is why you have to put the toilet seat down
If Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson returned to wrestling to fight Sammy ‘The Scissors’ Nelson would it appear on paper view?
Nothing says “I’ve been going through your shit” like “why do you delete your browser history?”
COMPUTER: Your password has expired.
ME: So it’s a passéword.
Hey, the 1700’s called, they said please invent telephones.
My friend is really mad that the same team keeps winning her local pub quiz so she’s recruiting literally everyone can think of to join hers because they don’t have team size limits, and I can’t wait for her to become the reason they implement team size limits.
No one deals with rejection more than Internet Explorer requesting to be your default browser..
me: my parents aren’t home
911: we can’t help you with your capri sun straw
Stop, drop, and roll but for flame wars:
Stop – and think about it, you don’t even know this angry person.
Drop – your ego, and just go with it. You think I’m trash? Neat. Thanks.
Roll – away from any further discussion by muting or blocking