Let’s continue this argument later on when I’m alone in the shower and you’re not there to defend yourself
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if I’m wearing a suit you better be dead or getting married
Breakfast: 200 calories
Lunch: 500 calories
Dinner: 800 calories
Snack before bed: 15,000 calories
date: wow nice body
me: i like working out
date: it shows
me: *bench pressing cadaver* he’s starting to stink tho
Q: What do the back street ghosts like to sing?
A: I haunt it that way!
amazon trucks should play a lil song so we know they’re coming
Just got my test results back and my cholesterol level is a cheese bratwurst.
Some generations will never know having to drive by someone’s house to see if they’re home.
If you spin an oriental person around until they get dizzy, do they become disoriented? #LifeQuestions
Took the road less travelled after telling the wife that we didn’t need to stop and ask for directions.
*still laughing at a real estate ad I saw yesterday for a beautiful farmhouse “off the beating path”*
I shot a man in Reno just to watch him dry
(I used a water pistol)
Booked an escape room but just to get away from everyone… no plans of escaping, they’re gonna have to kick me out
I started feeding the birds a steady diet of pastel died Rice… You know, to brighten up the neighborhood a little bit…
Me: I got my YOLO tattoo covered up
GF: Good. I told you it was just a stupid fad
Me: I know
GF: What’d you get?
Me: *reveals Minion tattoo*
Sex so good you forget you’re married…to each other.
Me: You’re telling me someone broke into the house and the only thing that was stolen was the ice cream?
Husband: (without breaking eye contact) Yes.
Pretty sure “see less from” is to Facebook what “close door” is to an elevator
Me: Just call me loaded fries!
Friend: Haha I get it, because you’re hot and tasty right? 😉
Me: *quickly wiping grease off of myself* …sure.
I ate the last Hot Pocket and left the empty box in the freezer. I think it’s time my kids learn how that shit feels
A woman drives into a bar.
I twisted my ankle playing vodka last night
Why a man would want a wife is a big mystery to some people.
Why a man would want two wives is a bigamystery.
hot girl at the club: so can i get your phone number?
me: hell yeah
girl: how about your address?
me: oh for sure, come by
girl: and your mother’s maiden name?
me: wait what
Me: So what do you wanna get your friend for his bday?
9: I asked him what he likes & he said tacos.
Me: ok..
9: But I said, “Not food. What else do you like?” And he said his grandma
Me: ok so
9: And I said not grandmas either! Let’s just get him a football or something
Yesterday I went to a fight and a baseball game broke out.
heck is a place for people who don’t believe in gosh. danged for eternity.
8 yo was asked to sign a contract to agree to class rules at school. She said to the teacher, “It’s not a valid contract if I don’t have a choice.”
Noah build an ark
“what? why”
I’m gunna flood the earth
“just give me fish powers”
[jealous he didn’t think of that] JUST DO WHAT I SAY!
Anyone else notice your clothes only get caught on door handles when you are already angry or annoyed???
Dishonest mechanic?