*power walks to the refrigerator*
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8: [gives dog good morning kisses]
wife: the dog gets good morning but not me? I gave you life!
8: the dog’s cute
me: everybody run
me: i will have the chicken parmesan
waiter: actually the kitchen has run out of parmesan—i’m very sorry, sir
me: no parm, no fowl
Apple Computer is taking steps to
protect user privacy.Their new policy is iWon’t tell…iPromise
*3:30 am
House alarm: whose turn is it to freak her out?
Smoke alarm: I had last week
Alarm clock: Already malfunctioned last month.
HA: Water heater?
WH: *recirculation pump squeals* Got it!
Me: *almost falls out of bed*
HA: HAHAHA! Good work!
[teaching my 3yo the alphabet]
“Ok what’s a word that starts with Q”
cucumber
“That’s uh… I don’t… let’s pick this up again tomorrow”
Did you know you can gain 20 pounds in 2 months, but it takes 3257 days to lose 5 pounds?
it’s time for sharks to evolve again. it’s been four hundred million years. be poisonous or something
Before NASA sent Curiosity, Mars was bustling with cats.
I’m so used to sleeping on my right side that if I switch to my left, my insides feel like a room full of furniture trying to violently escape a haunted house.
Responding to my friends being honest: “Man, I appreciate you.”
Responding to my kids being honest: “Man, can’t you lie about lunch being good just for today??”
FINALLY A BEAUTIFUL DAY THAT ISN’T 100 DEGREES OR POURING RAIN
[frogs start falling from sky]
ME: Hello, Amazon Support? Yeah this package I just got looks like it was smashed from the inside with a bunch of hammers!
AMAZON: Sorry sir, what was in the package?
ME: Hammers
Did Roberto Martinez just moonwalk out of the job
My wife asked me today if I would ever cheat on her. I replied, “Who else would I cheat on?”
If you don’t answer your kid’s tenth “MOM!”, I will…and what I say will keep them awake for 3 days. Better ask “what?”
*primitive gungans defeat battle droids*
*Stone Age ewoks beat elite stormtroopers*
*improbable underdog story defeats logic and reason*
me: [unlocking door] id better warn you, im a bit of a hoarder
her: lol like what
me: well, most of its grandmas
her: [struggling to wade through hundreds of old women] i see
We’re not supposed to bring snacks to meetings because they’re a distraction, but so far no one’s realized my mask is full of Doritos.
Haters gonna hate.
Procrastinaters gonna … get back to you on that tomorrow…
If you took your large intestine and stretched it out in a straight line it would be very hard to get it back in you after that. So tangly.
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
This recipe calls for 4 cups of cheese. That seems like an awful lot. I’ll add 6 just in case.
Me: Hey, great costume, buddy! You look like a real…
Him: Ma’am, please step out of the vehicle.
ME: [Consoling my friend, whose dog has been missing for 3 weeks] It’s ok, I’m taking good care of her.
HIM: What?
ME: What?
Apparently my boss wasn’t too happy with my performance during his trust fall.
I trusted him to fall, he hit the floor, I applauded. Not sure what the problem was, tbh.
If by multitasking you mean ruining my life in more than one way at a time, then yes, I’m multitasking.
Lost about 3 pounds in the last 10 mins
(shaved my back and shoulders)
Life is short. Beat it up and steal its lunch money.
Good news: I’m finally able to button my super skinny jeans.
Bad news: I’m not wearing them.
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe
British parking sign:
———————————
Parking Mon-Fri
Saturday (except Sunday)
No return within 1 hour
2 hour max (bank holiday)
Not valid Fri-Mon
(Excludes Weekdays)
1 hour only
———————————