*power walks to the refrigerator*
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There’s no way you can prove to me that pterodactyls didn’t pronounce the p
“but you said you were right around the corner.” Let me stop you right there. I never said what corner
Digs hole so deep to bury feelings I end up in China
“You know what? I had a speech ready but I’m going to speak from the heart”
*smashes teleprompter with a baseball bat*
My husband just got to level three on netflix: “faking an illness” to finish binge watching
I’m on level 6: “faking your own abduction”
I’m not saying I’m jealous of the pigeons but I certainly wouldn’t mind someone throwing food at me from this park bench.
Maybe it’s just the alcohol talking but I think I found the secret to ventriloquism
PRO TIP: leave the oven on at all times in order to avoid the hassle of pre-heating
Mom, I’m glad April Fools is on a wkend. Kids at school are jerks
Me:*Hiding a plate of waffles drenched in olive oil* yeah people are mean
boss:
me:
boss:
me: [slowly removing tiara i made out of binder clips]
I take it personally when the UPS guy drops off a package for my neighbors but doesn’t bring me one.
[at grocery store]
me: no.
God: no.
brain: eat a coffee bean.
CNN: We’re not sure but we’ll report it anyway.
Me- Look at the beautiful Christmas lights kids!
My husband- Woo buddy, I’d love to see their electric bill
interviewer: why do you want to drive a bus
me: the big windshield wipers
me: the show is at 7, want to get there at 6:45?
dad: sure 6 it is
me: i said 6:45
dad: yup 6
me: 6:30?
dad: right we’re on the same page, 6
me: we don’t need to get there an hour early
dad: we can’t arrive right at showtime
me: there are other options
dad: i don’t understand
bank transfers when they’re taking money out of your account: haha yeah we can do this at the speed of light now. w/e its cool
bank transfers when they’re putting money in your account: hold on there pardner. we have to load this check on a pony and ride it across texas first
Wife: can you change the baby
Me: oh thank god. I’m so glad you said that. Yes, yes I will
Wife: I don’t mean swap it for a new one
Me: …
Adult life is constantly saying to your friends let’s do something soon and suddenly 6 months have gone by
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
The parent-teacher conference is going great. They have no idea I’m not the teacher.
Me: What did you do at school today?
4yo: Nothing
M: You must have done something.
4: I don’t remember.
[Bedtime]
M: Goodnight.
4: Wait.
*Spends the next two hours telling me about his day in excruciating detail followed by a philisophical Q&A session*
wife: “no one will remember dont worry”
me: “ok”
[2 mins into my high school reunion]
guy: “yo are you the dude that brought a dog to prom?”
I haven’t had a good nights sleep since I started wondering what holds up those blocks in Mario.
Kinda rude that books come in volumes when librarians hate sound
Momma, I hid my milk!
-A Parenting Horror Story
ME: i love you
HER: i love you too
ME: …ok wow i put my heart on the line and you’re telling me your favorite band
“i absorbed my twin in utero” dont care. not even impressive. i absorbed a guy just last week. fully grown man. had a family. might absorb them too
[walks up to firefighters trying to put out a fire]
it’s alright guys i got this one.
*whips out a flamethrower*
TIME TO FIGHT FIRE WITH FI-