Power went out in my office building & a maintenance guy said Transformers blew. Um yeah it was a bad movie buddy now what about the power??
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me: for lent i’m giving up kids
kids: what?
me: [pushing kids out the door into the snow] i gotta do it for God
I always keep a shotgun under my bed in case a horse sneaks in and breaks his leg
[throws milk at cows]
go be with your family
babe wake up . a new draw your ship prompt just dropped
[planning heist]
Me: We’ll need the element of surprise.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: [appears] Actually, such an element does not exist. Hi, I’m Ne
A library patron stops in her tracks at the reference desk, studies me, and says: “You’ve gotten a few gray hairs!”
“Yeah, I get one every time there’s something I want to say out loud at work but hold it in instead. Oops, there’s a new one.”
Word find for ghosts:
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
Hello, pest control? Yes, I have these noisy little critters. They got into the snacks, made a mess of the place and keep calling me mom.
I heard my cat walking down the hall because his claws are too long. Then I realized I hadn’t taken off his tap shoes since the photo shoot.
DR: call me with any questions
[phone rings 20 min later]
DR: hello…?
ME: you like dogs?
random dude: heeeeeeeeey
me: i know how to hide a body
4-year-old: What does God smell like?
Me:
4-year-old:
Me: Nachos.
4-year-old: With cheese?
My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.
That’s great about your engagement, promotion and new car.
I grabbed the EXACT amount of hangers I needed to put away laundry.
Samsies!
[at a mattress store]
sales assistant: what size are you looking for?
me:*six loads of laundry big* queen should do
My husband: Do you really need another pair of black pants?
My husband’s closet:
I have complicated opinions on the death penalty. I think it’s wrong but I also think that owners of cash-only establishments should get it.
My dog ran into the sliding glass door and she’s not even drunk. Good luck explaining that to your pals at the park.
A panic attack is hearing your teens laughing in another room at the same time you can’t find your phone.
They say don’t eat when you’re bored but I never get bored of eating so I think I’m good.
I want my hearse to have ‘JUST DIED’ written on the windshield with cans tied to the rear bumper.
HER: have you decided where you’re going to live
ME: I’m still on the fence
HER: that’s why I asked
{Apocalypse}
ME (To War, Famine, Pestilence and Death): Can I pet your horsies?
Me buying fruit and veg
Stop = Hammer time
Full stop = Grammar time
I feel sorry for all the responsible bulls out there minding their own business and just looking to buy some nice china.
kid that threw a ball into my yard: hey give it back
me: *hugging his dog* no
It’s perfectly acceptable to hate someone who brags about how much sleep they get
I wish I had the self-confidence of people on Twitter who threaten to unfollow others unless their demands are met.
[crashing my bike]
spin class instructor: how did you do that