Power went out in the house so the family and I sat on the couch and talked.
We learned we actually have stuff in common. Like, we all hate that the power was out.
You Might Also Like
If I give out nudes now, it’s extremely unfair to the nudes I didn’t give out before.
The performance I give pretending to have never tried trail mix to get an extra sample at Costco is Oscar-worthy
me: hey siri
siri: (long, deep sigh) what
[at wedding]
Pastor: If anyone opposes, speak now or forever hold your peace
Me (raises hand)
Pastor: It’s your wedding
Me (lowers hand)
Dad passed away several years ago but every Thanksgiving with the family all together I can’t help but think, you lucky bastard.
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them.
This is not a coincidence.
[first date]
ME: Wanna get out of here and *looks around nervously* go to separate places separately?
mom: what’s that internet thing called, “scream shitting”?
me: …
me: shitposting?
mom: SHITPOSTING.
My personal style is best described as “didn’t expect to get out of the car.”
Child: I’m scared.
Me: What? Why?
Child: I heard a cat screaming outside my window.
Me: It’s okay. Sometimes they do that when they are in heat.
Child: What does that mean?
Me:
Child:
Me: Well, when-
Wife [running in from other room]: IT’S WHEN THE CAT IS REALLY HOT
[plane about to crash]
him: if there’s anything you want to say to me, now’s the time.
me: I watched all of Stranger Things without you. Good news is I can tell you how it ends before we die.
MANAGER: Great news guys, I finally got us a gig
BAND: Thank God! Finally!
MANAGER: *installing RAM* Yeah it’ll make this PC way faster
“Look on the bright side – at least there’s more for us to drink with him gone” is, apparently, not something one should say at a wake.
America: Japanese ads are extremely weird
Also America: *airs commercials about toilet paper obsessed bears that are constantly shitting*
Never eat anything Mario cooks for you. Dude runs around in sewer pipes all day and never washes his hands
Any minute now the cactuses are just going to start walking around and we’re all going to be like how did we not see this coming
Are you even a parent if you’ve never carried your child out of a store sideways like a surfboard?
The first step to forgiveness is acknowledging that the other person is a complete twat.
I was on a date and a Tampax Pearl fell out of the girl’s purse at the restaurant and I got so awkward because I’ve never dated a rich girl before.
Man of Steel question. When young Clark Kent was wearing a cape in the yard, who was he pretending to be? Liberace?
[peeing behind a tree]
bonsai artist: I have restrooms
Made it to the level of old where I turned down a beer so it wouldn’t mess with the aftertaste of the milkshake I just had.
typing in the same password a third time but more powerfully
The Accountant.
h/t: @KrangTNelson @Boogieknight
Free advice: Saying “meaty shaft” in a corporate meeting is like saying bomb on an airplane.
Co-worker at “Team-building exercise”: What the hell?!
Me: It’s called a “trust fall,” not a “trust catch.”
If I don’t duck my head when I drive into the parking garage what’s gonna keep my car from hitting the ceiling?
You can always predict what antigay protesters will say. But never how they’ll spell it.
Firecrackers let you know how close drunk people are to your house.
I’ve had worse